@AshLeisten

the short answer to this question

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@SteveSuckington

If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?

@iwearaonesie

wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*
kids: THIS IS THE BEST WEEK OF OUR LIVES!

@vapidaccount

Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…

@ChicksRule

Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined

@naughtywriter2

I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.

@AnniemuMary

My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.

@smerobin

My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.

@ApocalypticLoFi

Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.