the short answer to this question

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If your mother in law and your father in law were both engulfed in flames, and you only had one fire extinguisher,

where would you hide it?


wife *feels bad for feeding the kids chicken nuggets 3 times this week*


Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…


Getting bitten by a radioactive spider didn’t quite turn out the way Mittens imagined


I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.


My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.


My husband told me yesterday that his co-worker said I’m gorgeous and considering that I dreamt last night that James Hetfield asked me out, there’s a chance it went to my head.


Why do we “shush” our dogs when they bark at the postman when 98% of our mail is bills?

Dogs get it.

Next time, join in.