the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
You Might Also Like
My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Boss: And this will be your desk. Make yourself at home
Me (pulling a rotisserie chicken from my purse & putting it on the desk): Thanks
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
I got lost from my family at Target and when they finally found me my 10-year-old said, “see I told you she would be by the candles.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
SON: I need you to check under the bed for monsters.
ME: Listen, I appreciate your confidence in me, but if there’s a monster under there it’s going to kill us both.
I get it February, I can only leap about once every four years too.
[ brings ouija board to your grave ]
“Okay, now will you tell me why her number was in your phone?”
[first date]
her: i love mysterious guys
him: good
me: [in the bushes] good
Ways to look busy:
1. Turn up later than everyone else but rush into the office looking annoyed
2. Act like spending half an hour in the toilet has annoyed you
3. Rush around with an open laptop looking annoyed
4. Get annoyed at a printer
5. Just generally look annoyed
“Two messages, Sir. First, your tea has run out”
“Correct English is ‘you’ve run out of tea’. What else?”
“You’ve walked out of wife”
Anxious person at a party: Oh! This is a lovely front door! Let me see what it looks like from the outside.
[a person I want to be friends with so bad offers me a cigarette]
Me: oh I love these!
Them: *goes to light it for me*
Me: *already eating it*
not sure if Ambien makes you tweet racist stuff but I can confirm pairing Makers Mark with Hot Pockets at 1AM will make you ‘like’ all of your high school crush’s Facebook photos
My laugh is like what you’d hear if a hyena and seal were mating and it wasn’t going very well.
Apparently it’s “against church policy” to drop your kids off in the nursery and then go to brunch.
[drinking third bottle of smart water] when does this kick in
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
cops: we’re gonna test your blood for drugs
me: lol why? my blood didn’t do any drugs, i did
My mother-in-law said that we should stay an extra day if it’s too snowy to drive.
SOMEONE LEND ME A SALT TRUCK.
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
me: if only i could sleep AND get motion sickness
waterbed salesman: you’re not gonna believe this
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
I like the word “panties” so much I’m going to start using it in place of “cool.” Friend: Check out my new car! Me: Oh man, that’s panties.
ME: you told me to put my hands where you can see them
COP: yes but please don’t cup my face
UNNATURAL ~>Homosexuality
NATURAL ~> Virgins giving birth, talking snakes, dead coming back to life, walking on water.
Confused yet?