The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
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JESUS: And lo, I have fed 5000 of you with 5 fishes and 2 loaves
“AMAZING!”
“A MIRACLE!”
ME: *slowly raises hand* So do we get dessert or
“What should we call ourselves?”
How about 22 pilots?
“Idk. Seems like an awful lot of pilots”
21 pilots?
“Omg”
sumtimes i go 2 hard tho
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
If you need me I’ll be in a weird mood.
wife: tell me her name
*slap*
wife: TELL ME HER NAME
*slap slap*
wife: and where did you get a seal anyway
A triumphant is an especially successful elephant.
Pro tip: don’t bother feeding your kids before heading to the grandparent’s house. Either way they will be starving as soon as they walk in.
Speed dating
(Don’t say anything embarrassing)
“So do you ever eat raisins and then later poop rehydrated grapes?”
(DAMMIT!)
‘All of me, loves all of you’
– John Legend.‘Some of me, loves some of you’
– John Average.
Got excited to check out the new place called Juicy Ladies and was very disappointed it was just a juice bar.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
In France they call Mr. Bean Monsieur Legume
Legal tip for men: if you get a free t shirt at a bar, you’re not required to keep it forever, like they can’t arrest you if u throw it out.
Kids be quick to tell YOU when you need something from the grocery but call THEM from the grocery and have ‘em check for you and they act like they don’t know what sausage is
Don’t forget to cut me off so you can be the first person to the red light.
And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
Can’t make an omelette without breaking into my neighbor’s chicken coop.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
My kids are always accusing me of having a “favorite child” which is ridiculous because I don’t really like any of them.
ok ladies and gentlemen of the jury, before i get any farther along in my testimony, i would like for you to take a moment to recognize the “jurors are beautiful” shirt i am wearing
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.
Tonight I realized that I gaze at cheese in much the same way that first time mothers gaze at their newborns
*incoming text*
“hey bud can I crash at ur place”
Sure come on over
*sound of approaching airplane*
Started a deadly new feud with my chiropractor midway through neck treatment and will now have to spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder.
Apparently, it’s “bad manners” to stare at a female coworker for 30 seconds, then ask if she’s self-conscious about her hair.
*First bite of pancakes
“This is the greatest food ever!”
*Last bite of pancakes
“In the name of Gru and all his minions I shall never eat this food again”
Does it…does it take 3 days
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.