
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.