The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

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People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.


Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?

Me: Bed Bath & Beyond

Wife: You used a coupon right?

Me: Coupon?

*wife faints*


The 9 circles of hell:

9) limbo

8) lust

7) gluttony

6) greed

5) anger

4) heresy

3) violence

2) fraud

1) shopping on Black Friday


I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.


Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.


Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.


*Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*


[praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.