The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
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Any parent who manages to wash their kids’ favorite stuffed animal may include “hostage negotiator” on their resume.
Adulthood is like looking both sides before crossing the street and them getting hit by an airplane.
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *calls child’s name*
…
Me: *opens candy wrapper*
Child: THAT BETTER NOT BE MY HALLOWEEN CANDY!!
[hunting]
“In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call”
[clears throat, cups hands round mouth]
“COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK”
If your pee smells like burnt toast it’s time to get some new pee.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
When someone says “women like you” to me, I assume they’re referring to extremely powerful wizards.
History: delete
Pics: delete
Texts: delete
Kik: delete
“Why yes, you can use my phone for a second.”
me: “hey who’s your favourite child?”
wife: “we’re not supposed to have a favourite”
me: “why not? i do”
wife: “who?”
me: “macaulay culkin, home alone 2”
Not to brag, but I can usually tell if meat has spoiled between 4-6 hours after eating it.
my uber driver watching me wander around the street aimlessly because i have no idea what a toyota crayola is
The worst part about re-watching Home Alone is you just know Kevin’s parents bought this house for like $250K.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
the fossil record doesn’t preserve skin so there’s no proof dinosaurs didn’t have tattoos
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
The list of “unfriendly” countries designated by russia is almost identical to the list of countries where there is drinking tap water. You can make your own conclusions, but I think that russians just don’t like tap water.
Me: I’m a little self conscious with the lights on. Mind turning them out?
Doctor: Just turn your head and cough.
… and on the eighth day, Satan created teenagers.
Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
That soy sauce packet is just living rent free in your drawers
[first day after lying on my job application]
me: can we pull over at a mcdonalds or something
co-pilot: what
“I was so high that I cried because I realized that snakes are just tails with faces”
Drink responsibly? Responsibility is why I drink.
Requiring everyone’s clocks to be the same is communism. Let the free market decide what time it is
Never forget that for every public official who is stupid and awful, there are thousands of ordinary citizens who are also stupid and awful.
when u have guests over for dinner it’s an absolute power move to just make up appliances. yell from the kitchen, “honey where’s the garlic thumper” and ur husband or wife can yell back “it should be right next to the wine gun” and ur friend will be like “wtf i want a wine gun”