The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.

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A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.


I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit


at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it


*Tweets funniest tweet ever

*Dies laughing

*Over 6 billion die laughing

*Germany and Russia survive

*Coz nobody left to explain the joke


Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back

Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]


Note to self:

When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”


God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL


The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.


The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?