@sokangarude People that say “we’re not even white, we’re pink” obviously haven’t seen the parts of me that have never been in sunlight.
@IGotsSmarts The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
You Might Also Like
@sokangarude 
@TheBoydP Wife: Where’d you buy my gift?
Me: Bed Bath & Beyond
Wife: You used a coupon right?
Me: Coupon?
*wife faints*
@JimmerThatisAll What a spectacular disaster may I get your recipe?
@XplodingUnicorn The 9 circles of hell:
9) limbo
8) lust
7) gluttony
6) greed
5) anger
4) heresy
3) violence
2) fraud
1) shopping on Black Friday
@EliTerry I hide photos on my computer of me petting animals at the zoo in a file named FIREWORKS AND VACUUMS so my dog won’t find them.
@BuckyIsotope Kanye West builds a time machine so he can interrupt himself interrupting Taylor Swift.
@ThisOneSayz Parenting doesn’t prepare you for the awkward glances you get when a naked Ken doll falls out of your briefcase.
@TheIronSherk *Paper beats rock*
*Paper beats eggs*
*Paper beats his girlfriend*
*Paper beats his three year old*
@BlACk__ThRoaT I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
@TheToddWilliams [praying mantis first date]
Female: You seem to have a good head on your shoulders.
Male: Yeah well, you know, saving it for marriage.