A third zebra strolls casually while whistling and pretending to read a newspaper onto Noah’s ark.
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
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I get a kick out of people who think because I make Americana music I’m supposed to dress like a damn horse repairman or some shit
at least one time somebody must’ve thrown a baby out with the bath water. otherwise people wouldn’t be so worried about it
*Tweets funniest tweet ever
*Over 6 billion die laughing
*Germany and Russia survive
*Coz nobody left to explain the joke
Me: Well, well, well. Look who’s come crawling back
Baby: [pretends like she doesn’t hear my extremely witty comment]
Note to self:
When the wife asks “Do you like my new hair”, don’t reply with “It’ll grow back, right?”
I don’t like the person you become when I’m on my period.
God: What’s that?
Noah: The aquarium
God: For what?
Noah: The fish
God: Fish can survive floods
Noah: *kicks llama* YOU SAID EVERY ANIMAL
The biggest lie from my childhood was “Anti-Skip Protection” on my Sony Disc Man.
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?