The sign at this gas station says “turn engine off” so I catcalled my engine and its cute friend from across the street.
You Might Also Like
TV chef warns against “over vegetablizing” a sandwich. I lean in closely, hoping he’s also against “under buttering” everything else.
If there’s a zombie apocalypse and you see one zombie taking a nap, that will be me
I’m going to need to see a warrant before you look through any pictures on my phone besides the one I show you.
My dudes have been airbrushed so hard they look one of those hand drawn movie posters from Ghana
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
Purse Rules:
1. My wife agreed not to buy designer purses
2. I agreed it’s not a designer purse if I don’t know how much it costs
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
me: [letting dog lick my face]
wife: that’s disgusting
me: [squirting shampoo into my hand] you’re the one who used all the hot water linda
Might see you guys in 15-25yrs. Weekend with my folks & it’s only a matter of time before I snap.
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.
Bury me with my old records. It will be my vinyl resting place.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
4 year old twins that dress alike: aww that’s cute
40 year old twins that dress alike: ok knock that shit off it’s kinda creepy.
My daughter just came up to me in a ski mask and said “give me all your money!”
Then she turned around and said “you look broke, I’ll try another house” as she promptly walked away.
*limping in, covered in makeshift bandages*
Wife: Ready to admit that a puma does not make a good housecat?
Me: He’s just lonely. We need another puma.
[dog paws your leg when you stop stroking his head]
1st time: “aww cuuuute”
2nd time: “ha okay”
3rd time: “i am trapped in a nightmare”
Someone told me signing my emails with “Best” is passive aggressive so
I’m changing it to “See you in hell’ to eliminate any confusion!! 🤣😏
We’re lucky fire rhymes with liar liar; who knows what might have happened to our pants.
Barista won’t write “Air Bud was bullshit” on my coffee cup. We’ve been arguing for 20 minutes. HE’S A DOG THAT PLAYS BASKETBALL
Me *swallowing 4th wet t-shirt* this contest is hard
The greatest joy you can feel as a parent is when you get the call that they’ve canceled your kid’s Saturday sporting event.
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
You know you’re old when you see how many women Pete Davidson has been dating and your first thought is “he must be so tired”
Me: Well, this calls for a celebration *cracks open beer*
Wife: …you took out the trash
I’m not “rich.” Actually, it depends on how you define wealth. If you’re talking about money, relationships, or happiness, then no still
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody