The sincerest form of flattery is having a robot from the future sent back in time to kill you. Imitation is a distant second.
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grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
I used to worry about offending people’s moms on facebook but now they all post memes like “I chug vodka to keep from drowning my children”
[Me as a hairdresser]
ME: What do u think of your haircutHER: I need more volume
ME [leans in too close] WHAT DO U THINK OF YOUR HAIRCUT
Next time I open up to somebody it will be an autopsy.
son: can I ask you a random question?
me: brother, what do you think we’ve been doing the last seven years?
Her: *Googling* baby on fire what to do
Google: Call 911
Her: *Googling again* Baby on fire what to do NO TALKING ON PHONE
Just for fun, I think I’ll get fitted for a casket and just use it as a coffee table until the big day comes.
that wasn’t the question
1. Stand in sauna
2. Add 30,000 strangers
3. Take 2 steps every 30 seconds
4. Repeat for 12 hoursCongratulations! How was Disneyworld?
Camping? Like sleeping with my bedroom window open?
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
The biggest thing I learned when I got married was how much I made up lyrics to songs…
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
Sitting in a restaurant, a girl walked in and yelled SOMEONE DECIDED TO MARRY ME *twirls and air kicks* then walked out
[shopping]
[wife being a real pain]
Me: *hands her the broom we just bought* You want me to carry this? Or do you want to drive it home?
[at the cheesecake factory]
me: I will have the cheesecake
waiter: okay
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into a volcano
king: how would that hel—
advisor: [throwing steΦen in] help what
me: i just killed two birds with one stone 🙂
noah: you did WHAT
*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
Best goalkeeper.. 😅
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
In the 1990’s we didn’t have Uber, so we just hitched a ride with a stranger that didn’t look like a serial killer.
no, no… I don’t want to be a burden
– me being a total burden
If your name is Candy you shouldn’t be allowed to work at a weight loss clinic. It just seems cruel.
2yo is pecking at her sandwich like a bird with her hands behind her back and I’m gonna let her because I’m done with parenting this week.
Autocorrect changed “bible” to “bourbon” and that should tell you everything you need to know about me