The single most brilliant thing I’ve ever read.
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food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
I’m no blood spatter expert, but by the look of this bathroom floor, you’re pulling your tampons out way too fast.
If you love Christmas music chances are you never worked retail during Christmas.
Me to my husband: Why do you insist on bringing that up? That was in the past.
Husband: It just happened.
Me: But it was in the past.
Husband: It was five minutes ago.
Me: In. The. Past.
the most dangerous dog breed is probably the Crime Lab
Kid: Fire is magic.
Me: No, it’s science.
Kid: Oh yeah? What’s fire made of?
Me:
Kid: Magic.
“Slow down, it’s not a race,” I tell my kids because I want that last piece of pizza.
Me *on phone to IT* it just says insecure and no special character
Him: ok so your password needs to be
Me: No no I’m doing an online personality test
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
but if rugs were made out of bread then all the food you drop would just become a sandwich over time
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
Nephew: omg look at how thick your ipad is.
Me: That’s a book.
THERAPIST: Anyways—
ME: “Anyways” isn’t a word. You mean “anyway”
THERAPIST: ANYWAY, we were talking about your difficulty making friends
“I can taste the difference between varieties of brands of mayonnaise”
– my best friend and the whitest man I know
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
Spilling a full alcoholic drink you’ve already paid for is the grownup version of loosing a balloon.
#AmazingFacts #Tuesday #RubbishJokes
WHO SAID “YOU GOTTA KEEP EM SEPARATED”
A) Gov. George Wallace
B) The Offspring
C) My mom teaching me to do laundry
D) All of the above
If you drop a peanut in a shag rug forget it, let it go.
righty-tighty and lefty-loosey.
– factory defect men’s underwear
There’s an owl calling for its mate outside my window, maybe I should go out and try that too
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Just got a residual check for 6 dollars for my scene in Almost Famous sooo…going to Vegas!!!!!!!!
i hate it when my daughter is suddenly nice to me because I know it’s just a first calculated step in impending negotiations
peeping toms
if you stab somebody “over a chicken sandwich” you were destined to stab somebody over something, someday. on this day, the wheel of fortune just happened to land on delicious chicken. don’t blame the chicken, baby.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
83 yo man, “You speak pretty good English for a Chinese girl”. Me: “I’m caucasian”. Him, “Well, any kind of Asian looks Chinese to me”.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
“No way!” said the hitchhiker as both he & the driver held up an ax. “I was gonna kill you!” “No I was gonna kill YOU!” eruption of laughter