The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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Them: You’re hot.
Me: *eyes narrowed suspiciously* How many crosswalks do you see in here right now?
Me: I love you
7yo: I love you too
Me: l love you to infinity
7yo: I love you to infinity too
Me: l love you more than ice cream
7yo:
7yo: what flavor?
My Kid: I CAN DO MAGIC
Me: cool, what-
My Kid: I’M A MUSICIAN
Adding “Noted muralist” to Wile E. Coyote’s Wikipedia page.
Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.
“I’m Sorry”
And
“My Bad”Mean The Same Thing.
Unless You’re At A Funeral.
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
I saw a homeless guy and gave him $10. A woman standing there said he’s just gonna buy drugs with it. And I said yeah but if I don’t give it to him I can’t be the 50th person to write this tweet.
Keep a pencil behind your ear so you always look busy.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
My bf just suggested we put canned peas in the egg salad and anyway, I’m single now.
Email I meant to send – “I will touch base with you next week” vs the email I sent – “I will touch you next week”
HR reminds us to proof read before sending
Dad Unleashes Haunting Moan Of Satisfaction Upon Descending Into Hot Tub
Studies show that if you begin a sentence with “studies show,” the internet will believe you.
Essential oils are what drips out of tacos.
[David Attenborough narrating my life]
Once again the young offspring attempts to leave the nest. Once again he has flown into a wall
[speed dating]
ME: I like your hair
HER: OK
ME: And your teeth are so smiley
HER: You know this is a job interview, right?
ME: *rings bell*
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
So my neighbor is baking apple pie, and I’m just sitting here waiting for her to put it on the windowsill
I mean yeah I’m middle class but not “stop stealing ketchup packets” middle class
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
I was getting chased by a man yelling “STOP, POLICE!” & I yelled “YES YES STOP POLICE! THEY’RE OUT OF CONTROL!” But he kept chasing me
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
You know it’s time to quit smoking when you laugh at a tweet and you sound like Muttley.
Teaching 3 pigeons how to mosh
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.