The skeletons in my closet are making inappropriate sexual advances at the monsters under my bed!
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5YO: Daddy, did you play Roblox as a kid?
8YO: *Interrupting* He didn’t have Roblox when he was kid. He would just play outside.
*Both start laughing*
Fear does not exist in this dojo, does it?
NO, SENSEI!
Gluten sensitivity does not exist in this dojo,does it? Put your hand down Aiyden
Beer doesn’t have many vitamins that’s why you need to drink lots of it
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
GROUND CONTROL: Major Tom how you doin’ up there?
MAJOR TOM: Floating in a most peculiar way. The stars look very different today…
GROUND CONTROL: *hits mute button* Again with this guy. *releases button* That’s great. How ’bout we run through some flight diagnostics?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
At the last supper Jesus was probably like it would be way more comfortable for everyone if some of you sat on the other side of the table
Not recommended for beginners.
Some of you ladies must go through an astonishing amount of laundry considering how wet you always are
This milk is so far past its expiration date that I’m only going to have a small slice.
In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.
Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
establish dominance over your significant other by addressing birthday and valentine’s day cards as ‘to whom it may concern’
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Good cop: If you just let us know where the body is, we’ll let you go
Bad Batman: Ben Affleck
I’ve heard that there are people that can keep every room of their house clean at the same time
At my house the rooms have to take turns being clean, kind of like the kids
peacock: how’d the date go?
me: not so well
peacock: you show her your tail?
me: no i-
peacock: well there’s your problem dumbshit
tree: morning
me: oh hey
tree: yo lemme get a hit of that carbon dioxide bro
me: [exhales on tree]
tree: [leaves all shakin’] ooooh ya baby that’s the stuff
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
“Home Alone” and “Die Hard” are my top picks for celebrating Christmas in 2020. I’m not talking about movies.
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
Gunman: Put ur hands in the air. Now wave them like you just don’t care. YOU STILL CARE [shoves gun in guys mouth] SHOW SOME UTTER DISREGARD
I told my husband last night that I have a lot of hobbies but I’m not very good at any of them, “like cooking for example” and this man, whom I have fed every single day for 10 years, had the audacity to respond “but there are other hobbies you are good at.”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
[gets pulled over]
me: problem, officer?
cop: you were swerving, i want you to count backwards from 100 for me
[2hrs 36m later]
me: how was that
cop: did you really need the “bottles of beer on the wall” part before every number
Your chances of being hunted by a turkey are low, but never zero.
[gym]
ME: hey can you spot me
HIM: yeah
ME: *hiding under the bench* how about now
girls love us tall guys but as soon as we use our height to “constantly slam dunk on them and their loved ones” they stop replying to texts
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
I made quiche, like a real grown-up. I feel like Tom Hanks in Castaway when he makes fire… I HAVE MADE QUICHE!