The “Skip Ad” countdown on Youtube is more exciting than an Apollo launch.
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[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
HER: Is that a potato in your pocket or ar-
ME: Yeah. I’m saving it for later.
10 y/o daughter, pointing to the moles on her arm: “I kind of have a lot, oh wait, this one is just chocolate.”
i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Water towers were invented so angst ridden teenagers had something to climb in 80s movies.
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
My husband likes that clear soup at Japanese restaurants because the vegetables are floating on top and easy to pick out, not at all hiding and trying to trick him into eating vegetables like with other soups.
What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed?
Oh sheet.
Are you sure you want to unsubscribe? Yes. Really really sure? Yes. Really really really sure? Yes. What if I show you my promo code? No. Please write a 600 word essay on unsubscribing.
If there was vomit on my sweater already from mom’s spaghetti I think I would just stay home. No rap battles for me tonight please, I am unwell
[junkyard dog barking viciously and running directly at me]
Me: Wow he must really want me to pet him
Palm trees are beautiful but you wouldn’t want one on your team in a rap battle, they’re absolutely useless at throwing shade.
Them: *typing professionally on their computer*
Me: *pretending I’m Beethoven, while typing supercalifragilisticexpialidocious*
A family of ducks walks into a church. “Hi, yes, umm…I hear you have a man who turned his body into bread?” The father asks timidly.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Wife – “I’m leaving you…”
Me – “noooooo…”
Wife – “…a hotdog in my will”
Me – “…oooyeeahhhhhh”
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
I’m going to take up vaping because I am tired of people taking me seriously.
my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
I’m not like all those other girls
*regurgitates a seagull*
It saddens me that the closest my car will ever get to being a Transformer is when I fold in the side mirrors.
mom had nothing to worry about
wife: he uses food as a crutch
marriage counselor: is this true
me: [walks in twirling giant carrot] maybe
My 6 y/o told me the medicine cabinet was our most important cabinet. Outwardly I agreed but inwardly: “no son, the liquor cabinet is”.
Me: I’ve lost my kitten
Cop: How would you best describe him?
Me: He looks like a miniature cat
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
I always feel a little guilty when a bum catches me eating food out of the garbage because I want to, not because I need to.
“Son you’re just not cut out to be a mime.”
“Is it something I said?”
“Yes.”