The Slow and The Furious: me navigating a shopping cart through a grocery store filled with morons.
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Fun idea! Complimentary deodorant with each transit fare purchase.
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
During the course of some 36 films, did it ever occur to anyone that maybe Godzilla deserves a “good boy” once in a while?
finished mowing the grass, thus solving the problem once and for all
Sometimes I see an account celebrating big milestone after only 6 months on Twitter then I notice all their tweets are stolen and I get pissed that none of them are mine. Rude.
My brain forces me to relive traumatic moments over and over and over and over, but it won’t tell me where I left my laptop charger.
HR: you list 911 as your emergency contact
me: i hear they’re the best
I don’t always say ‘oops’, but when I do, it’s usually ten minutes after I have a brilliant idea.
That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision
-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
Got some shoes from a drug dealer , I don’t know what he laced them with coz I’ve been tripping all day.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
Fellas, stop putting rings in our food and let us eat our Crème Brûlée in peace.
How frustrating would it be if you turned into a zombie before you had a chance to put your dentures in?
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
Mama Bear: The porridge is ready
Papa Bear: Perfect let’s leave for a couple of hours
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
And another thing. People just want to eat a banana without ridicule. They need the potassium. What do you people have against potassium?
Despite my rock and roll lifestyle, I’m pretty sure I’m going to die via punctured gums from a tortilla chip.
There’s a big crane across the street from my work and I want it to reach over the street to us and deliver snacks at our front door
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
Yeah, but I thought the whole point of twitter was to be stalked.
The word ‘follower’ should be evidence of that
Increasing the amount of high fives I give my boss each day until he quits his job
Homeless man asked me if I could ‘spare some change’. I told him ‘change comes from within’. Long story short, I’m missing a kidney.