The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
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Her: you know what really makes my mouth water?
Me *slowly closes the menu* salivary glands
[Car at red lights]
ME *starts fiddling with the radio*HOT WOMAN: *pulls up alongside me*
ME: *slowly lowers the fiddle*
me: [walking into high school reunion] this is going to be a nightmare
principal: where’s your pants?
does bisexual mean twice a sexual, or once every other sexual
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
my propensity for dark humor brings all the boys to the graveyard
barista: how do u take your coffee
me, a twitter idiot: with my hand
How much for the vacation home?
Sir, this is a coffin.
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
<- sleeps well with others
We got the Christmas tree yesterday, and now my wife knows that I was the chief architect working on the leaning tower of Pisa
[Cannibal Restaurant]
Waiter: Need anything else?
Cannibal: No, I’m stuffed. I can’t even finish this. Could I get a body bag?
My personal brand is being the guest at a wedding who can’t dance but puts in a noticeable effort.
I just want a man to look at me the way Doc from back to the future looks when something exciting happens.
Nothing in my life has made me more insecure than the amount of scam emails I get claiming I’ve won an Oral B toothbrush. Is this now my worth? A mere toothbrush? I used to correspond with Nigerian Princes
It was a smart phone until I downloaded Twitter
Has anyone tried sacrificing a billionaire to the old gods?
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
Does your wife know you’re single?
[blind date]
HER: I like puns but they have to be, you know, artistic
ME: Vincent van…go on
hate those people that go 15+ years without talking to you and then the first thing they say when they see you is “hows your mom?” like, dude,, youre my dad, you should know
a pretty good bit cats do is be insanely shocked and aggrieved when you do something normal like get up from your desk to go to the kitchen
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
I scream. You scream. We all scream. This fancy wine bars toilet gender signs were unclear.