the small child points to my head and chants, i want a balloon, i want a balloon, but changes her tune when i let my head float free
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Got a new high score on my bathroom scale
They are only bad decisions if you get caught
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
Shortcut
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
i don’t think it’ll all fit in there
It’s not often I get to relive my youth, but today one of the guys at the gym said he drank so much protein shake he felt sick so I said he got wheysted and then he stuffed me into a locker.
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
“Do you believe in past lives?”
I don’t even believe in the life I’m currently living.
Weird how my husband can sleep through the baby crying but he jumps straight up with one unsnap of my bra hook.
Our new neighbours came over with an email and phone number because they’re leaving their teenage son home alone for a few days.
I told them not to worry.
I’ve seen The Graduate and he’s in good hands.
Sealed it with my super genuine slow wink.Anyways, making friends is hard.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
I may not believe in Santa, the Easter Bunny or the Great Pumpkin, but these mid-life stabbing pains all over my body have me convinced there are ninjas everywhere.
Do you know beforehand your dog is a cadaver dog, or do your first several walks always happen to end with finding a body?
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
Funny how bullies only bully people who are susceptible to bullying.
They don’t bully people who’d throat punch em without thinking twice.
Find a penny, pick it up. All day long you’ll wtf, that thing is filthy. Wash your hands immediately.
older coworker: i made a cake to celebrate the 25th anniversary of my divorce!
younger coworker: wow, you’ve been divorced longer than i’ve been alive
everyone:
everyone:
everyone:
older coworker: you don’t get any cake
How do you get the farmer’s daughter to fall in love with you?
A tractor.
I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
The experts say: “Stop shoveling snow by age 45 and no later than 55 to prevent heart attacks”.
But if you’re 65+ and still shoveling snow they say: “Shoveling snow may be great exercise”.
Last winter I risked a heart attack. This winter I’m excercising!
What if you went to ET’s planet and all of the other ET’s were wearing clothes.
Me, bewildered: “What is this odd thingy?”
H: It’s called a wine stopper.
Me, whisper cries: “Why would anyone want to stop the wine?”
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?