The smell of fresh cut grass. Freshly overturned dirt. The cold metal of a shovel. The fear in my neighbor’s eyes as he mows his lawn at 7am
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I will never refer to ‘drunk me’ or ‘sober me’ because that implies the second one exists.
All the observable evidence suggests that, if I was much worse at my job, I’d be more likely to get a promotion to senior management.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
Don’t let the correct punctuation fool you; I’m basically a 4 year old with good grammar.
one time i couldn’t go to church because i was too busy describing a grilled cheese sandwich to a police sketch artist
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself:
“I’m going to get thrown out of this home depot in a minute.”
Captcha: pick all the squares with worms
Me: *sigh* why is it always click bait
Pro tip:
If you buy two 30packs at the beer store, you don’t have to make a second trip later in the day.
why do people say “he died in a bungee jumping accident”? it’s not an accident. he dove headfirst off a bridge connected only by an elastic cord. it’s an accident if he survives. say “he died while bungee jumping, obviously”
Autocorrect changed fairly big meeting to fairy bug meeting so now everyone in the office is stripping and running away to the forest.
Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
Me: Don’t spit at your sister!
4: I’m a bunny.
Me: Bunnies don’t spit.
4: I’m an acid-spitting bunny.
My husband and I moved a heavy piece of furniture last night and I’d like to apologize to our kid’s teachers for their new language skills
Me: Just the other night I was sleeping in my bed and now here I am in the grandest backyard in the world having champagne with you fine people.
The Anthill That Has Formed By My Trashcan: *ant noises*
This is why I avoid Dollar Tree crayons…
She looks at me with those come hither eyes & I’m over here frantically flipping thru a dictionary trying to figure out what “hither” means.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume you can make chicks laugh, how?
Me [holding a chick in my hand & tickling it]: I’m a miracle worker
My favorite part of The Lion King is the part where Nicki Minaj held up baby Simba.
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg
I’m always fascinated when people in movies run from a madman and then hide and hold their breath. Sometimes I snort for air and get a little sweaty while reaching for a puzzle piece that’s juuuuust out of reach across the table.
{Text to boyfriend}
Meet me at our place.
Me: *waiting in Starbucks parking lot
Him: *waiting in the backseat of his car behind Kmart
Hagrid: you’re a gizzard Harry
Harry: i’m a what
Hagrid: a blizzard
Harry: a what
Hagrid: a scissors
Harry: what
Hagrid [in tears, trying so hard]: a squidward
*wife icing waiter’s jaw while I talk to the police*
“I thought he said boner petite”
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Got fired from PetSmart for unionizing the hamsters