The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.
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“Why KFC calling you at 1:36am?
The doc was like “…..Some of these sinus medicines will make you very drowsy, which is fine. Nap whenever you can.” & I was like “Don’t threaten me with a good time.”
For legacy verified accounts whose check hasn’t disappeared, for just $7 a month I will reply to every one of your posts and tell people you didn’t pay for twitter.
My ex left me for an attorney. It makes me smile every day to know he hasn’t won an arguement for 15 years.
I feel bad for photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
I need an aggressive dog-barking sound on my phone, for whenever anyone knocks on the bathroom door when I’m in there
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
Me: I want to kiss you everywhere!
Her: You mean New York, Paris & London?
Me: Um, ya that’s what I meant.
Me: *[pulls back shower curtain]
“Dinner will be ready in 10 minutes”Him: “Who the hell are you and should I be scared?”
[parent-teacher conference]
teacher: he’s doing so well, and he’s such a great listen-
me: coolcoolcool no doubt but when do you teach them to stop turning on every light in the house, is that this year or
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
“I love Worcestershire sauce.”
“What’s so special about it?”
“It’s hard to say.”
If these seasonal allergies don’t kill me, that person I just sneezed all over probably will.
I made a female coworker cry on her birthday. For future reference, “I thought you were way older than that” is not a compliment.
*finds $20 in the dryer*
*adds money launderer to my resumé*
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
The thing about my dogs barking is I can never tell if there is a murderer breaking in or if my neighbor closed their car door in the driveway.
Angel: Welcome to Heaven
Me: But… this is a Costco…
A: Yes. And here is a map with the exact locations listed for every item you need
M: *falls to my knees, sobbing with emotion and gratitude*
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
*spelling bee*
“Your word is disaster.”
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
“That outfit you’re wearing looks like a natural disaster.”
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
The human body can do all these cool restorative things, but don’t you dare swallow a drop of water incorrectly, because it may decide to just end you right there.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
Since I had to google “exercise” to make sure I spelled it right, I think it’s safe to say I have no idea what to do at the gym.
Me: do you want bread or toast
3: toast!
Me: are you sure
3: yes!
Me: *gives toast*
3: I wanted bread! *cries*
Me: oh for the love of-
3: *sweetly* can I have bread next time
Me: of course sweetie
3: *eyes turn red* I DONT WANT BREAD NEXT TIME I WANT TOAST
person walking by my house:
my dog: I’ve killed people for less
[coffee shop]
BARISTA: may i help you?
GUY WHO DEFINITELY LOOKS LIKE A SWARM OF BUTTERLIES IN A TRENCH COAT: you’re out of sugar water
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy