The sock thief who lives in our dryer has developed a taste for masks.
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I keep a separate microwave dedicated for hotdogs. I call it Frank Zappa.
Spent 10 mins trying to get into my car today…finally the door opened when the person who actually owned the car unlocked it.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Me: Why am I suddenly sick?
Friend: Probably the change in the Weather
[earlier]
Weather: *uncharacteristically puts poison in my coffee*
when the doctor brings med students into your exam
I’m really hoping. .. . .
My son doesn’t ask why
the lady in the hotel next door wants the man to go deeper with their prayers to god.
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
The asteroid..
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
one last job
Travel bloggers during quarantine
[Scientific Conference]
Scientist 1: So science?
Scientist 2: *nodding* Science.
Q. Why are ghostbusters afraid of bridges over small rivers?
A. Because they’re not supposed to cross the streams
Me: So then, He-Man & Skeletor come to terms with their feelings and make out.
Priest: Again, writing fan fiction isn’t necessarily a sin
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
this could fix me
Me when dead:
Yay! No more worrying about appearance or keeping fit or any of that crap!Me a second later:
Wait – WHY THE HELL AM I STILL THINKING?
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
<sniffle> <snort> <sniffle>
<snuffle> <wheeze> <cough> <sniff> <snuffle>
<ah> <ahhh> <aaaaahhh> <HAIKU!!!>
This January has 47 Mondays
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Don’t buy a belt at the zoo, it’s just a snake trying to escape.
thank you for bringing your bluetooth speaker to the beach, i was concerned the ocean would be too soothing
Every time I go through airport security I’m terrified that I accidentally packed a bomb.
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
Listen up, guys
Neil Diamond is the name of a famous American singer-songwriter but it’s also a checklist for anyone about to propose
I don’t pluck my unibrow to look good, I do it because McDonald’s sued me for illegal use of the double arches.
[World Cat Conference]
President Cat: We have to dispell these stereotypes about cats. We need to- *he pushes his own notes off the podium*