The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.

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When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”


Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.


Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man


I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.


Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?


The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic


I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.


The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.


Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”