The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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“Remember where we parked.”
-Me, to my dog.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
We squint at the sun because it’s bright.
We squint at people because they are not.
[Michael Cera being repeatedly asked by a librarian to speak up]
Turns out that when asked which was my favourite of all the X-Men that “Caitlyn Jenner” was not a valid answer.
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
If you’re ever attacked by a mob of angry clowns…
…go for the juggler.
Took my dog to the vet this morning. There was a dog named “snot.” Wtf is wrong with people! 😡
A lot of people frown on demon possession, but then can’t name a quicker way to learn Latin.
(Buying sheet cake, donuts, brownies, ice cream, Guinness, and whiskey)
Cashier: Oooh what’s the special occasion?
Me: I read the news…
Pretty sure my day can’t get any wors- *soup explodes in microwave*
i have no idea what’s going on but i want to be involved.
-kids
I had an important meeting with my kids. I’ve been waiting to have this talk for a while. I started the meeting by grabbing the toothpaste. I made eye contact with all of them and then very slowly put the cap back on. It was a shocking demonstration, but I think they got it.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Hold on, you guys. Turns out the person with bad opinions is extremely attractive. I’m on their side now.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
i work as a dj on the side. i like to hide a speaker somewhere in the club and make it drown out my music with a home depot ad every five minutes. everybody runs around trying to shut it off, but no one can figure out where it’s coming from. my stage name is DJ ESPN’s Website
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
People actually wake up one day and decide to add raisins to rice
forged some of the most powerful bonds of my entire life on the beach like this
Whole Foods added a 10 items or less checkout line as if anyone can afford to buy more than 10 items at a Whole Foods.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Text from girlfriend: I love u more than anything else
Me: I love all the letters equally
I knew all that yoga stretching and bending would come in useful some day…
…I thought to myself as I contorted my entire body to retrieve a mini chocolate egg that had rolled under the bed.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
*watching horror movie where young couple moves into new house & scary things happen* This is unrealistic they could never afford this house
At this rate, I can’t wait to see what the holiday decorations look like.
Me: Ping me when you are free.
Girl:Ok. *Starts working in 2 Shifts*