@LaceyNycole When a bite of food falls off your plate… And you just stare at it on the ground like, “We could’ve made each other happy…”
@mortimermaiden The soft snowflakes swirling in the night sky remind me of the time mom had too much gin and threw a roast duck at dad for taking her youth.
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@LaceyNycole 
@BuckyIsotope Keep your friends close. Keep your enemies closer. Keep your frenemies in a dark basement filled with bees.
@iscoff Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
@Try2StopME I’m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.
@BillPelicanBros Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.
@RodLacroix Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?
Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?
@OctopusCaveman The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
@Halbeerz I’ve never hated a neighbour enough to get wind chimes.
@deardilettante The only good thing about people who wear too much cologne is that they’re easier to set on fire.
@Book_Krazy Everytime I see my see my neighbors having sex in their hot tub, I think to myself “I can’t believe I’m recording this”