the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
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[watching the news]
God: oh my me, this show is awful who wrote this
angel: you did sir
“I detest drama!” I declare with a flourish of my cape, and the back of my hand over my forehead.
Hate it when I tell a guy something deeply intimate and personal and he’s all, “Ma’am, does that complete your order?”
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
If you encounter a bear you should either play dead or be so vibrant that the bear is like “whatever this person seems exhausting.”
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Why are hurricanes named only after girls?
Otherwise they’d be called HIMicaines
Me: *whispering* if you hold very still, she won’t see us…
Him: our daughter is not a T-rex.
Who said “do something each day that scares you?” I need them to explain to my wife how I got a shark pregnant
I was in long distance relationship for eight years with my Mr. before we got married. So, believe me when I tell you, I’ve never missed anyone as much as I miss my cleaning lady.
Someone posted a cute pic of several fluffy little baby chicks in a bucket and all I could think was “KFC preview.”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
When Meatloaf said he would do anything for love, but he wouldn’t do that, he was talking about quarantining with his kids for 2 weeks.
Asked my gf to buy me a 2-pack of socks and she came back with these wtf
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
Thought it was real sweet that my daughter (5) gave me a hug in the store until I realized she was trying to steal my credit card.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)Print
Printer)No
Me)PRINT
Printer)No
Me)PRINT!!!
Printer)Here’s 8,000
God: You get all the animals in?
Noah: Yeah except for the chameleons, they creep me out
*The walls turn red and start hissing*
Noah: Oh no
[Chopped episode]
“In your baskets is a box of spaghetti olives fried chicken mozzarella cheese tomatoes and a package of Oreos.”
Me *opening Oreos*
“Clock hasn’t started.”
Me: There’s cookies.
“Those are for your dish.”
Me *munching*
There’s cookies.
“Which one is you?”
– My favorite response when someone shows me a selfie with other people in it.
Who called it industrial espionage and not being a thief executive?
Husband: What is today?
Me: I’m in no mood for your riddles today.
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
17 animal photos that will make you do a double take
a guy just bought my red bull for me at the gas station so i think we’re married now.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.