The song “I’ll Make a Man Out of You” from Mulan just hits different when Dr. Frankenstein sings it.
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it’s a beautiful day. I step into the sunlight, warm on my skin. wow it’s actually really hot. questioning my choice to wear a black shirt. damn it’s sweltering and humid too. I’m pouring sweat. all I’ve had is black coffee. oh my god this shirt is 87% polyester call an ambulance
Well, my evening plans are ruined
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there’s a fine line between things that need to be tweeted and things that need to be medicated.
SECURITY GUARD: “Sir, I have to check all backpacks”
ME: “ok”
*opens backpack*
*its full of hundreds of tiny backpacks*
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
So we got a goldfish…
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*Me on a first date* centaurs have two rib cages
If there’s anything I’ve learned from Twitter, it’s that men think they hate filters but have no idea when they’re being used.
Senior sext: CAN YOU READ ME NOW?
I did laundry for 7 miles according to my Fitbit that I accidentally washed and dried.
How is it still this week?
“what if your employer sees how embarrassing you are on twitter” sir my employer sees first-hand how embarrassing i am every day
“3 FOR 1 TACOS, TODAY ONLY” I shout into the megaphone. the crowd watches with bated breath.
“I’m coming down,” the man on the ledge shouts
INTERVIEWER: So, do you have any questions for me?
ME: What’s the Wi-Fi password?
I: About the job
M: What is the company Wi-fi password?
Why do they call it The Bachelor series and not Engagement Farming?
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
Female lamb: I feel so much pressure to conform more.
Therapist: Hey, ewe do ewe.
Lamb: THAT’S your advice?
Therapist: I woold take it if I were ewe.
Lamb: SERIOUSLY?!
Therapist: (grins sheepishly)
Lamb:
Therapist:
Lamb:
Therapist: Why are ewe maaaaaaad at me?
a true american can survive on just corn syrup and debt
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
FRIEND: Make her the center of attention
ME: Okay
[later at restaurant]
ME: *throws food at next table*
ME: *pointing at date* SHE DID IT
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
My 8-year-old asked Alexa if he will die one day and man Alexa does not hold back.
[placing hand on my boss’s casket] who can’t think outside the box now
My best acting work to date? has 2 be yesterday when I realized I was walking the wrong direction so I pretended to get a text message that changed EVERYTHING and FORCED me to turn around and walk the other way.
I know you’re the instructor but I’ve seen Ghost 47 times so I know for a fact this IS how pottery is made!
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
What even happened today?
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Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”