The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
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I went deep sea fishing once and caught what I thought was a marlin, but was actually a catfish with a party hat glued to its face.
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
Just got a coffee at the airport and then remember they have beer and now I’m awake and sad
One minute you’re wild and free, the next you’re standing in Walmart trying to decide between the green and red lid Tupperware sets.
Auto mechanic: Well here’s your problem. The last person to work on this didn’t wash their hands after using the restroom.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Mobster: we need to set up a shell company
Lobster: let me handle this, boss
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Some call it alcoholism, I call it “keeping my emotions hydrated”
A drivers license is basically just a selfie with way too much info.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Please, call me Seahorse. Mr. Seahorse was my mother.
Them: Are you a frontend or backend developer?
Me: *winking* I’m pretty developed in both places.
Anyways, that’s how I ended up in HR.
Told my son I went into labor on thanksgiving but he came on Black Friday and he asked me if I got a discount.
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
[Interrogation]
Cop: this guy looks like a cop if you ask me
*intercom* you need to be on this side of the mirror, Carl
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
Who called it a Spanish teacher instead of an instruction Manuel?
“Remember Robert from work?”
Yeah..he was a douche.
“He died.”
WHAT?!? OMG..He was such a nice guy!
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
Apparently new moms are supposed to “sleep when the baby sleeps,” but I have yet to find anyone who has mastered the art of sleeping while driving or pushing a stroller.
*gets abducted by aliens*
*immediately asks aliens if they’re familiar with the benefits of essential oils*
*gets returned by aliens*
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
“Scalpel.”
“Hey… You’re not a surgeon!”
“If Affleck can be Batman…”
“Fair enough. Scalpel.”