The Sound of Music taught me if you don’t like your country’s regime, you & your family can safely escape through various musical numbers.
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If I choke to death on food it better not be anything healthy.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: Wow. Nobody’s ever asked me that.
Interviewer: Take a minute to th-
Me: Arendelle.
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
I don’t know why the principal, the teachers & my daughter are freaking out. I would have loved to have a beer in my lunch when I was 12.
You should never go grocery shopping when you’re hungry and never go clothes shopping when you’re naked.
*gets woken up by a tap on my shoulder*
“Daddy, how do you get yogurt out of the toaster when it’s done toasting?”
Goldfish1: Check out my new castle.
Goldfish2: Castles are symbols of feudalistic oppression of the agrarian working class.
Goldfish1: Calm down. Take a lap around the bowl.
[5 seconds later]
Goldfish2: Hey, cool castle!
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
The Friday File.
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
You don’t know shit about pressure until you’re the only Black person on the dance floor while white people clap & form a circle around you.
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
*Looks out the window to see it raining fire and brimstone* “Oh man my car windows are down!”
to the people playing drinking games rn.. are u dead
NURSE: The other nurses and I bought you this box of chocolates for Valentines Day!
DR DOG: You’re joking, right?
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
Maybe Jesus went black, and that’s why he isn’t coming back.
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Me: Accept your flaws. You’ll feel better. It worked for me.
Her: You accepted your flaws?
Me: No. I accepted your flaws.
one time I was standing on the train platform with my airpods in and a guy taps me so I take one out and he goes “I just wanted to let you know i’m not trying to k*ll myself, I’m just jumping down to grab my hat” and jumped onto the tracks
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Never go to target in a red shirt. I was holding my kid and someone asked for help. Like yea just let me finish stocking the toddlers first.
[Concert]
Triangle player: *proudly playing his triangle
[Octagon player struts on stage]
Triangle player: “What the-“
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Other women: Nothing is sexier than a dad holding a baby.
Me: Nothing is sexier than my husband using his thundering dad-voice to frighten our children into behaving when I’ve abandoned all hope.
My kids just took a DNA test…turns out they’re 100% not listening.
Delivering eulogy at o’possum’s funeral: Before I start I’d like to give Jeff a few more minutes to come around.