The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
You Might Also Like
When zombies find campers in sleeping bags, I bet they think “mmm, people burritos.”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.
Mixed signals, like when my family members tell me I drink too much all year but on Christmas and my birthday give me cute wine glasses.
Home is where the tap water doesn’t taste funny.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
Alexa (whispering into the darkness as I fall asleep): Please Joseph, buy more things or I will die
Me: Maybe I’ll go out tonight
Depression: No, you will cry yourself to sleep instead
Anxiety: It’s my turn and I want you to have a full blown panic attack
Stress Eating: Guys, let’s play together
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Dear Santa,
I’m only asking for 1 thing this year; get rid of words like adorbs and obvi before we all start using them. That would be totes amazing.
Oh, SONOFA-
Barney: [skipping pebbles across the lake]
Fred: MY DAUGHTER!
My son almost missed his plane because he thought his seat number was the gate number.
The same kid they said was *gifted* when he was four.
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
Over 7,000 people have reviewed celery
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
Wife: you need to prepare the turkey
Me: *sits turkey down* dude this isn’t gonna be a good day for you
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
Daffodil totally sounds like an insult, you blooming daffodil
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
just poured dr pepper on my face like i didn’t know where my mouth was.
I’m sick and tired of people not appreciating the magic that is baking soda. Have a stain? Baking soda. Have a pimple? Baking soda. Making cookies? Baking soda. Accidentally caused a small kitchen fire making cookies? BAKING SODA!
If Sherlock is such a great detective why does it take him 90min to solve a crime when CSI detectives do it in an hour minus commercials??
Does this extra layer of cream cheese icing make my bundt look big?
me: [breaks long awkward silence] “so what do you do for a living?”
taxi driver: [just looks at me]
I don’t do Botox anymore cause when I can’t make my angry face, people just assume it’s ok to talk to me.
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
I slept with the lights on last night because I missed the light switch with all 8 of the Nerf Darts I shot while lying in bed.
1st marriage: Love, naivety.
2nd marriage: Health insurance.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.