The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
You Might Also Like
The first rule of bread making club is you only talk about it on a knead to dough basis.
some guy in the 7-eleven said “it was only a kiss” into his phone and the other 3 of us in the store all yelled IT WAS ONLY A KISS anyway i think he is gonna be getting divorced soon
THE TERROR YOU FEEL WHEN YOUR PASSWORD DOESN’T WORK SO YOU TRY AGAIN AND AGAIN AND OMG HAVE I BEEN FIRED DID THEY FIND OUT THAT I SPEND ALL MY TIME ON TWITTER AND TIKTOK AND oh never mind I had the caps lock on
My husband and I are planning a vow renewal later this year. Quick question: Dunk tank or no dunk tank at the reception?
i was just about to start being a good person but then i got mildly inconvenienced
Children change a lot of things like now if I get lost in a corn maze I just lay down and take a nap or run toward the guy with a chainsaw.
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
Traditional marriage was between a boy’s parents and a girl’s parents. And maybe some cattle.
It finally happened. I’m at a restaurant and a guy at the next table told the waitress “Fun fact about me: I’m a google reviewer and my reviews have over 2.5 million views”
Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.
8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?
Me: Why, yes we are!
A little about me: I’m a beekeeper. I see a bee, I keep it. I don’t care whose bee it is. Should have been watching it better.
Willy Wonka ran the original Squid Game.
*watching any crime show*
He didn’t do it. There’s too much time left.
I need money in a hurry. How quickly does lotto pay out? Also, what are the winning numbers?
Sometimes I think I’m reasonably intelligent, and sometimes I click the remote car door lock a second or third time for extra lockiness.
this is the greatest thing ever
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I will always try to sound smarter & make up words when talking to my doctor, like “pain in the crotchal area” or “difficulty extendilating my arms.”
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
One day, I hope to give someone a small, very personal item and then gently close their fingers over it
Turns out inside one of the IKEA sofa boxes was actually a marriage counselor.
DATE: Are we in Starbucks because you’ve forgotten my name?
ME: Haha of course that’s
BARISTA: Latte for Rachel
ME: not true, Rachel
DATE: That’s not mine
ME: DAMN IT
When a copywriter is asked to make a headline “punchier,” that’s both a description of what the requester wants and how they make us feel.
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
My husband went to a lawyer luncheon thing and the lawyer he sat beside turned out to be my ex boyfriend from college. When they realized the connection he told my husband, “She always had me laughing. Is she still funny?” And my sweet husband said, “Not in the slightest.”
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
*makes 9 yr old son memorise my phone number in case he gets lost
[He gets lost]
*I don’t answer my phone as I don’t recognise the number