The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

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Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?


If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.


I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.


Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.


Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.


Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”


Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?