@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

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@simoncholland

Google maps is like, “in 8.4 miles, stay on the road you’re on.”

@roggyie

For Sale: Wedding Suit, worn only once by mistake..

@jenlaw_11

If a server comes to my table and asks ‘hows everythin tasting?’ mid chew I like to grab their wrist and keep them there until I can answer

@aissalanis

“Emergency Defibrillator”

As opposed to the one we keep around for fun?

@SirEviscerate

How to lose 12 lbs in 7 agonizing seconds:
Step 1: Make sure the wood chipper is all gassed up.

@bingowings14

Reduce your kids intake of sugary, fizzy drinks by shaking up the can before handing it to them.

@Marlebean

Did you know stuffing your bra with toilet paper works pretty well…

except when it rains.

@Beatonm5

what sorcery is this, the iron wasnt workin, so I took it apart put it together again got left with extra parts and screws but its working??