@bazecraze

The Spy Who Loved Me But Wasn’t, Like, IN Love With Me #RejectedBondTitles

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@javi_khoso

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?

Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you

Me: Not now Mom

Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?

Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?

Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?

@HomeProbably

If someone overtakes me when I’m walking, I match their speed so it looks like I’ve got friends.

@bazlyons

I always hold open doors and let ladies through first because, you know, snipers.

@robdelaney

Just saw the new Avengers & the audience went NUTS when Shrek showed up & saved the day.

@CumberdickB

Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.

@Ideal_Victoria

Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”

And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”

@DaveSirus

Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?