The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
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Ice Bucket Challenge Champion since 1945 ☺️
Not gonna make it, my 7yo wants to tie his own shoes.
I always thought orthopaedic shoes were overrated, but I stand corrected…
This probably isn’t good
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
“A broken clock is right twice a day” isn’t really true anymore because my office microwave says it’s 88:88 o’clock
me: genocide is bad
guy: i totally agree, but just to play devil’s advocate, what if it’s actually good?
me: it’s not
guy: *pulling out pre-prepared notes* no i totally hear you, but actually it is
me: a-are those laminated
[looking at my pill caddy]
My wife: Are these… M&M’s?
Me: I take the peanut butter ones right before bed
Whenever someone else takes a pic of me I like to make sure both my hands are showing so it doesn’t scream selfie like my selfies do.
Employment Agency: We got you an interview with a cable company, doing installation.
Me: *shows up to interview 3 hours late*
Interviewer: Oh my God… You’re hired.
As I was leaving the car wash, a guy that works there told me to “have a day” and I thought, you know what, I will.
The best defense against auto theft is not The Club. It’s 65 empty water bottles in the back seat and a rear window full of stuffed animals.
This Roomba was a great investment. It vacuums, saves time, and in a pinch can be used as a babysitter.
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
You deplete me
*waits till lights dim in the movie theater*
*Takes bowl of hot lobster bisque out of purse*
1ST MAN: I’m sorry, I-
1ST HORSE: It’s fine.
M:
H:
M: It’s just why BOTH walk? So I thoug-
H: I said it’s fine Gary, stop bringing it up!
We’ve had far more storms since we started naming them. We’re giving them the attention they crave. Just call it needy wind.
nothing in life prepared me for the trauma of a wildlife narrator saying “but danger lurks” after showing me ten minutes of footage of adorable fur babies
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
I wore red lipstick today and my 4 year old, while wearing his underpants inside out, boldly informed me that I look like the Joker
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
If a cannibal ate a comedian, that would lead to some funny shit.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
me: if you drink this coffee you’re gonna get jittery and anxious and you’re gonna feel sick later.
my brain: good bean juice taste like chocolate make me go fast
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
Dentist switches lamp on: “Now open wide”
Moth dental assistant: *repeatedly flies into bulb*
Dentist: “This has to stop Denise”
[Drives date home]
ME [stops and revs engine sexily] I had a great time tonightDATE: [climbs off my lawnmower] I did not
🤣😅🤣😅 OUCH!