The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
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Recipes be like you’ll need an 1/8 tsp of this really hard to find item. Also, it’s gonna cost $125
[Court]
Me: My tweets go through a rigorous review process
Judge: Are they reviewed by other idiots?
M: *lips on mic* irrelevant, your honor
Asked him his height and he’s been typing for 2 minutes 🤨
Movie tickets for 4: $56
Popcorn: $16
Hot dogs: $20
Sodas: $14
Candy: $15
Parking: $5Seeing the smiles on your family’s faces: $126
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
Mo’ money mo’ problems might be true, but I’d still like to find out for myself.
God: you’re my son
Jesus: do I have super powers 😀
God: you can turn water to wine, walk on water, uh bread
Jesus: :/
God: …fish
Jesus: so who’s my enemy
God: Satan. he has shapeshifting, fire, rock n roll, charm
Jesus: wow that’s cool 🙁
God: oh he’s super duper cool
[itsy bitsy spider diary]
Day 47 of my attempt to climb water spout. Weather looks good. Hopeful.
It’s rude to say “don’t mention it” when someone thanks you for a favour, instead say “tell no one of this” in a low but urgent voice.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
Um my neighbor is operating a wood chipper …. at night👀
I’m not sure if I like my wife’s new boyfriend.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
You don’t have to choose between being a fighter and a lover. If you say you have a bad back you can normally get out of doing both.
[On phone to police]
Has there been a report of a pervert in the park?P: No, there hasn’t.
Me: oh good.
[Goes back to hiding in bushes]
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
I like the word amongst. That’s it.
Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
What do we want?
ROCK HARD ABS!
When do we want them?
THE DAY AFTER THE HOLIDAYS ARE OVER!
Skynet: Send a Terminator to 1984.
[5 minutes later]
Skynet: Okay, nothing changed. Send the way better liquid terminator to 1991.
Smoking doesn’t make you look cool kids. Murder does.
Ice, ice, baby. Ice, ice, baby. – Me taking inventory at the cryogenic infant storage facility.
I don’t need money to buy happiness. I’m already happy. I just want the monies.
*Sad trombone noise*
Cop [holding breathalyser] “How the hell did you do that?”
Q: What did the Square say to the Rhombus?
A: If it is not a Right Angle it is a Wrong Angle.