The stock market may be down but with all the parents needing to stay home with their kids for the foreseeable future I am heavily investing in vodka futures.
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I thought it was a staring contest but then I realized the guy had a glass eye so now I can never go back to that gas station again.
Friggin’ narcs ruin everything
“Be nice to everyone…
You never know who might have a pool.”
-Mahatma Gandhi
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
My neighbor’s looking at me like she’s never seen a guy stuck in her doggy door before. And what’s with the screaming? And the golf club?!
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Donald Trump’s chief speechwriter is a random deck from Cards Against Humanity.
My cat loves licking me, but can’t stand when I do it back
I apologise if I offended you.
And if I haven’t yet, just give it time.
This Halloween, I’m going as the one thing more unsettling than a serial killer: someone interested in serial killers
It’s my mate’s birthday today. He doesn’t drink, smoke, gamble or cheat on his missus. We’ve got no idea how to celebrate it.
Adam: are you naked?
Eve: yeah I don’t give a fig
What do you hear?
Dodgeball but with random people that don’t know they’re playing.
Moses: And number 7 is thou shalt not steal
Ol’ lying, thieving, murdering Dave who hates his parents: This is starting to feel personal
Some things are better left unsaid
Tequila – No they’re not
My husband just asked if I want to go hiking for our anniversary.
I think he’s planning on pushing me off a cliff.
If I ever die while lifting at the gym, add more weights before calling 911.
Me: If you love something you have to let it go.
Wife: Get your own bag of shredded cheese
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
Urinal cake? Nah, that’s a pisscuit
{yard full of boys}
*pointing at milkshakeExterminator: there’s your problem
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
[restaurant]
ME: My compliments to the chef.
WAITER: I’ll certainly..
ME: Tell him his ass looks fantastic.
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
The Compass
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
It took me three decades to become an overnight success.