The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
I opened the internet to read today’s news and quickly said “Oh, god, sorry” and closed it like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
I’ll be wearing a pink shirt today in solidarity with those of us who don’t separate our whites from our reds when doing the laundry.
what do you mean I never take you anywhere we just took a 365 day trip around the sun
CW: Have you had 5 guys?
Me: *blank stare* That’s kinda personal don’t ya think?
And that’s when I found out it’s the name of a burger joint
My Daughter wants a Cinderella-themed party, so I invited all her friends over and made them clean my house.
Just sold my homing pigeons on Ebay…
…for the 22nd time.
You can almost hear the laughter in the transporter room
You think that parenting is going to be all cute quotes and funny memories then you sit down for dinner and your 9yo asks you what you know about the dark web.
I could defuse a bomb if it sounded like an alarm clock and I was sleeping.
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
[repeating myself louder in the haunted house attraction] did the dracula throw water on anyone else鈥檚 pants??
When I get dressed in the morning I ask myself one question…do I mind spilling food on this?
Both my kids start crying the second they wake up. They must get that from me.
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
My husband said he wants a blowie for his birthday. I don’t know what he’ll do with this snow blower in summertime…luckily it was on sale.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
Shit, I missed Jesus’s birthday, didn’t I?
*Text alert*
Freddy Krueger: “Hey you up?”
Me: “Yup”
Freddie Krueger: “Damn.馃槩”
Women鈥檚 skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
In your 20鈥檚: I鈥檓 going to install the best radio, loudest speakers, amplifier in my car, and rock out.
In your 50鈥檚: Turn that music down, I can鈥檛 even hear myself think about what I want to eat.
Like watching a full length movie – but in just 27-seconds…
Haven’t refilled my prescriptions in a while. Which has been instrumental creating the mass grave beneath this wood shed.
You’re never gonna believe this but Ben Carson’s full name is Benghazi Carsonofsatan
me: I鈥檝e finally reached the tipping point
waitress: oh thank god!
Me: Don鈥檛 wipe dead bugs on your sister.
12yo: Why?
Some things shouldn鈥檛 have to be explained, yet here we are.
Bailiff: State your name for the court
Hr: Clara Sof铆a Alba Constanza Guadalupe…
Judge: That鈥檚 enough I want to get out of here b4 lunch!
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off