The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
You Might Also Like
*after accidentally dropping my phone off a cliff and directly into a vat of grape jelly, hosing it down, then dropping it again onto a highway where it gets stampeded by a herd of elephant, picking it up and trying to reply to a text*
ugh, I don’t know why my phone’s being weird
Shot my first turkey today. . scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section…
Funerals have gotten so expensive: at mom’s, after paying for the bouncy house, clowns & pony rides, we couldn’t afford a decent magic show.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
if there’s anything parenthood taught me it’s that weird ppl have kids too & their kids may become friends w/ ur kids culminating in all around awkward small talk at bday functions
When your wife is out of town and you accidentally tell her that you killed the baby
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
Judge: Would the jury now read its verdict.
Head Juror: We, the jury, find George Michael’s feet guilty on all counts of Lacking Rhythm.
George Michael’s feet: *uncontrollable sobbing followed by fainting*
George Michael: What the hell is even happening? I’m free to go, right?
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
[Marvel pitch meeting]
“C’mon, just hear me out…”
“The answer is still no, Ted.”
Now that the sleep paralysis demon is trapped in my head, he’s starting to rethink his decisions
UNHAND ME
Wait
how many?
Make sure to wash your hands before AND after you eat the rich
If I want to get back at you for slighting me, I’m not going to embarrass you or insult you. I smoke, I rarely exercise, I eat tons of red meat, and I drank to excess nearly every day for 30+ years. I’ll make you my emergency contact
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Conversations get real after midnight.
11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”
12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”
Neighbor: Do you want to see our new baby?
Me: I didn’t even want to see the old one
When my wife got her tongue pierced I asked her why? She said To enhanthe the thektual thimulation.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
“His and hers” gifts are the thoughtful choice for any wedding. The division of property goes so much more smoothly.
KGB: You’re being activated and sent to America. There you will acquire and report all sensitive and relevant intel and relay back to Kremlin
Bear Family: what’s our cover?
KGB: You will sell crap ton of toilet paper
If you think you’re stupid, little red riding hood thought a wolf wearing women’s clothing was her grandma.
“I’m in the middle of an Adam Sandler movie” isn’t a good excuse to get out of anything.
I know this now.
Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
First day of school
Kid 1: I want my mumma *waaah waaah*Kid 2: I wanaa go home *waaaah waaah*
My kid: Teacher do you poop?
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
*puts words between two asterisks*