The straw that broke the camel’s back was either an exceptionally large straw or that camel had some serious osteoporosis.
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If you love someone, set them on fire. If they come back, it’s a phoenix
Run yourself luxurious baths, while you’re still young and fit to climb in and out!
If anyone needs some loose IKEA parts, let me know. Also, if you’re ever at my apartment, I’d avoid sitting on or touching any of my furniture.
I want to open a donut shop called Hole Foods.
announcer: now presenting hollywood’s most illegible bachelor!
audience member: you mean eligible?
announcer: [holds up picture of badly drawn stick man]
“yes I’m very good in bed”
*folds blanket and neatly props up pillow*
*pillow falls over*
“Oh no, this doesn’t normally happen I swear”
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
If you don’t believe aliens walk amongst us, who else could write such unnatural dialogue in pharmaceutical commercials?
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
*performs interpretive dance at your psych evaluation
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
If I had a bitcoin for every time someone tried to explain bitcoins to me I’d have a lot of bitcoins, and no idea what to do with them.
The 250 million year old Himalayan salt I bought expires in November 2018
Why are Airbnb reviews always like, “Our host Emily was truly spectacular and thought of everything” and never “house gives off very haunted vibes and I’m deeply afraid of what’s behind the locked doors”
I’m guessing the best thing about being a zombie is knowing the dance routine to “Thriller”.
Watched my friend flop face first onto a motel bedspread. I had no idea she was such a risk taker.
Me: I don’t understand why I’m not losing weight.
Husband: Maybe it’s the 5,000 calories in gummies you eat every day.
Me: They’re vitamins!
The Hallmark channel. Where else can you watch a two hour movie and not recognize a single actor?
Date: I like bad boys.
Me: I’m a drug dealer.
Date: But one that is also responsible.
Me: At a pharmacy.
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
COWORKER: Hi, this is embarrassing. *whispers* can I borrow a tampon?
ME: Sure, just leave it on my desk when you’re done.
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
you can lose weight eating chips and salsa if you keep the chips and salsa a mile apart
10-year-old: What’s it like to be old?
Me: I don’t know. I’m still young and spry.
10: What’s it like to live in denial?
My 3yo’s bedtime stories include: “Three-Hour Run-On Sentence,” followed by, “Ask For a Drink 500 Times,” and finally, “You Skipped a Page.”
employment tip: when the interviewer says you will “wear a lot of hats,” they don’t mean they’re going to give you a bunch of cool hats. they’re just going to make you do a bunch of jobs. it’s all very sad
Teenager: Bae swag YOLO
Me: In better times, people who spoke gibberish like that were burned as witches.