The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

You Might Also Like


Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.


*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones


TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess


So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.


[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack


Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.


What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?


My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.


‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure


To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.