
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.