The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

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It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.


When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.


One time a friend said that he “ain’t never had no nothing”. It remains the only time where I have heard someone use a quadruple negative.


I carry a knife whenever I’m running late to work because that’s what Counterstrike taught me: “You always run faster with a knife”.


Glad I spent 40 minutes getting my 1 year old dressed so she could go outside for 3 seconds.


I thought I typed “twitter” in my URL, but I got Hot Russian Ladies somehow instead. So, I guess I have a wife in the mail….


Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?


Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.


Twitter. Finally an app that makes people stop at yellow lights.


” National No Bra Day”?

I say pics or it didn’t happen day.