@ArtIsMyPorn

The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.

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@slimmy_shady

Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.

@mattZillaaaa

*deletes embarrassing drunk tweets

*tweets embarrassing sober ones

@liljonlovitz

TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess

@Dawn_M_

So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.

@TheToddWilliams

[high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack

@TheRealPhalguy

Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.

@ChrisThayerSays

What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?

@bellicosejason

My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.

@Roweboat13G

‘I’ll cut a bitch.’

– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure

@CynicalTherapi1

To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.