@slimmy_shady Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.
@ArtIsMyPorn The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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@slimmy_shady 
@mattZillaaaa *deletes embarrassing drunk tweets
*tweets embarrassing sober ones
@liljonlovitz TURTLE: hey, you carry your house around too!
HERMIT CRAB: i do. where’d you find yours?
T: i was born with it
HC: *scoff* ok princess
@Dawn_M_ So embarrassing when you leave the bathroom and someone points out you have toilet paper stuck to your teeth.
@TheToddWilliams [high seas]
FIRST MATE: The men be ready to attack
PIRATE: Arr!
FIRST MATE: Oh sorry…the men “are” ready to attack
@TheRealPhalguy Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
@ChrisThayerSays What’s that Hitchcock movie with all the birds in it? The Man Who Flew Too Much? To Hatch a Thief? Suspigeon? Birdigo?
@bellicosejason My boss calls me chief, so I really don’t know who’s in charge anymore. I hope it’s not me because I haven’t been paying attention.
@Roweboat13G ‘I’ll cut a bitch.’
– veterinarian explaining his spaying procedure
@CynicalTherapi1 To whoever needs to hear this: Tie your hair back before you pick up all the dog poop.