The string of expletives that just left my mouth was so long, I clotheslined a cyclist two towns over.
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It was obvious from the camera angle it was AMC killing it’s viewers. #TWDfinale
Always the kidnapper, never the kidnapped
Him: Brunch tomorrow?
Me: No, I’ll be asleep.
Him: What time will you be awake?
Me: I don’t understand the question.
*eats hotdog like an ear of corn to avoid giving you mixed signals*
[first date]
Me: I don’t like flowers
Her: orchids?
Me: nope, but it’s a little soon to be talking about starting a family
*10 min after I eat red vines licorice*
My 5-year-old: I smell candy on your breath. Where is it?
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
Amazing that the townspeople didn’t like Belle what with her waking up every day and calling them a bunch of simple idiots
I got an email from Nigerian spinach.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
The cool thing about Lady Doritos is if you toss them in a bag with male Doritos they make you an endless supply of delicious Baby Doritos.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
Heads up! The washing machine doesn’t clean your clothes if you don’t push the start button.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
How amazing is it that nobody in the same Kingdom as Cinderella , had the same sized feet as her ?
She should play the lottery too !
I just read an Amazon review (not for one of my books) that said “it feels like the author was just making it up as they went along” and I can’t stop laughing. Like, dude, I hate to tell you this…
Unless you and your family were attacked by Bigfoot, then no, I don’t want to see your camping pictures.
[prison]
PRISONER: what’s for breakfast
GUARD: every meal is bread & water
PRISONER: [is a duck] oh baby
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Not to brag, but Panera said I’m worth a treat so it’s good to know I’d go for at least $2 on the Panera black market.
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
People who knock on my front door really need to give up these unrealistic expectations that I’m going to answer
Food that tastes nothing like its name:
egg roll
pineapple
hamster
Me: I am excited for our date tonite, I am going all out.
Her: Don’t go nuts just keep it casual.
Me:
[At Vision Center]
Receptionist: Which Doctor would you like to see?
Me: I’d like to be able to see all of them. That’s why I’m here.