The strongest cat exists. Somewhere a cat is walking around, completely oblivious that it is stronger than all the other cats.
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*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
My grandfather told me that during the war he was exposed to irritants like pepper spray and mustard gas. Now he’s a seasoned vet.
A selfie stick is very useful…..
.. as a prod to keep people out of your personal space.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I threw caution to the wind.caution is my little brother.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
*turns around in my chair and I’m stroking a whole glazed ham in my lap* I’ve been expecting you.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
My family’s dull. All through his teens my brother had his head buried in a book before dad exhumed it & reattached to the rest of his body.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance
*adds pineapple to your lasagna*
My sister got a job as the assistant to an incompetent magician and now she’s my half sister
shepherd: SWEET CAROLINE
sheepdog: god i hate this guy
sheep: BAH BAH BAH
sheepdog: ok i hate all of you
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
Me: How much for the snake hamster?
Pet Store Clerk: That’s a ferret
Me: *describing criminal* Well he was kind of *muffled laughter* “sketchy”.
Police Sketch Artist: *sighs heavily* Get out.
If we only could have known that nap time in Kindergarten was the best life/work balance we would ever achieve.
museums: why doesn’t anyone go to museums anymore
also museums: thanks for the $22. here are 87 bolted down ipads. tap on them
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
dude *scoffs like 7 times in a row* of course i’m not a virgin… i have lots of *starts readin hand, ink is hella smudged* secular intercom
Person: I’ll listen to the conference call today if you will (do a different task). Deal?
Me: Okay fine but don’t come crying to me later all “My soul! It’s gone! I traded away my soul!”
Person: *laughing*
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.