The struggle is real
You Might Also Like
My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
I thought I stepped on a Lego, but thankfully, it was just a rusty old nail.
Once a lap dog, always a lap dog
[Murderer chasing me]
Murderer: YOU’VE DROPPED YOUR WALLET
Me: oh, I thought you wanted to kill me
Murderer: *ruffles my hair* I’m a murderer, not a thief! *starts stabbing me*
Most people don’t know this, but “Piano Man” by Billy Joel is about a man bitten by a radioactive piano.
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
I’m throwing myself a circumcision party tomorrow, so anybody with a scalpel and a steady hand, stop on by. Jews welcome only with gift.
“Well … I’ll be dammed.”
Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
I’m glad my office has this giant shredder because otherwise I don’t know what I’d do with all this work.
Someone you know may commit a crime today. If carefully managed, you can add in some of your own stuff.
Me [sending a text to my mom meant for my bestie]: can’t, doing hot girl shit
Mom [after 20 min of typing]: Honey, have you prayed about this?
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
My memory is pretty bad until I’m pissed off, and then you are in for quite the surprise.
You’ve attempted to log into your online subscription of Psychology Today, please prove you’re not an imposter.
[run into an old classmate]
Them: You’ve gained a little weight.
Me: You’ve stayed ugly.
*text to wife 2 hours after she goes away for week long trip*
hey, whats the best way to get grease off my favorite basketball shorts and do we have a fire extinguisher?
love you
ps – does the dishwasher usually smoke? also do I like cucumbers??
Love you, dont worry about me
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
SCHRÖDINGER: I got you a present.
ME: If it’s another dead cat I’m going to be furious.
SCHRÖDINGER: *Trying to contain excitement* We don’t know until you open it.
This toddler in line behind me at Target is a fantastic dancer and it’s really starting to piss me off.
(Avoids bear attack by spraying him in the face with Axe Body Spray)
Bear: *crying and coughing* Why?
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
Office Quidditch but the golden snitch is the last free donut.
Him: you’re not wearing pants?
Her: my pants don’t fit, OK?
Him: your pajama pants don’t fit?
Her: MY PAJAMA PANTS DON’T FIT, OK?!
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
ME: revise my plea? Why?
JUDGE: read it back
RECORDER: defendant said “cauliflower is just white broccoli”
ME: *lips on mic* I stand by that
who wants to go expliring
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
*wakes up at the crack of Dawn*
*instantly regrets drunk dialing Dawn last night*
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me.
Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.