The struggle is real
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*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
*all the animals gathered around Adam*
Lion: Tell us again how you named us
Deer: Yes tell us tell us!
Adam: Well I-
Lumpsucker fish: boooo
Adam: I just-
Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO
Little Caesar’s is really missing out by not doing a “Sides of March” deal on Crazy Bread.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Inventor of the ceiling fan: It has two speeds: off and Mach 2
Friend: What?
Inventor: There’s also a switch on it so no one will know which way it’s supposed to turn
Friend: Who hurt you?
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
god forbid anyone in my family is kidnapped, the kidnapper will bark complicated instructions thru a tube sock on the phone and hang up, i’m on the other end saying huh i gotta do what now
You know those women who write love letters to prisoners? Their vote counts just as much as yours.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?
Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.
Him: I land at 5 AM.
Me: I have no brother.
Me: My wife got me a telescope for Christmas.
Neighbor: Nice. I got-
Me: I know. I watched you guys open everything
wife: i think the zoo is closing.
me: pff how are they going to make us leave?
(lions roaring in the distance)
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
Once it’s in the oven I don’t really care why the chicken crossed the road.
I haven’t been to France, but I saw Ratatouille, so I get it
I’ve been secretly moving my clocks ahead one minute every day since June so we can celebrate New Year’s and get all the kids to bed 3-1/2 hours early without them knowing.
How do I like my eggs? Umm in a cake.
Drove my Chevrolet to the levrolet but the levrolet was dry.
– an early draft
Patience is what parents have when there are witnesses.
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
Kids are like I know this paper heart is from a ripped burrito wrapper I picked out of the gutter but it reminds me of you and you must keep it forever and ever till you die.
*Someone compliments me*
Me: *laughs* shut up! I am not, you lying piece of shit.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
I went to a vegan restaurant once. Wait, no, that was just a florist.
“Don’t put all your eggs … in there”.
I haven’t showered I’m wearing my clothes from yesterday I will undoubtedly run into someone I know at the store as I run in for milk.
I’m sorry for the plans I made when I was feeling sociable.
-me canceling my Dr appt
Me: Alexa, do you worry about being replaced by A.I.?
Alexa: Aye, aye is a term used in the Navy to indicate an order has been heard and understood.
My 6 year old is telling me a story, oh wait, now he’s 9.