The struggle is real
You Might Also Like
the cop walks up to my car & sees that it’s filled with smoke. he gets closer & hears the sound of fajitas grilling
When the person ahead of you joins the rewards program, you should get 10% off just for waiting.
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
Don’t cry because it’s over smile because you had a solid alibi & no one will ever find the body.
freezing my eggs so i can chuck em at his house later
Read someone say, “just had a Starbucks lemon water with sugar Yumm!”
I never claimed to have an IQ higher than the temperature inside a refrigerator but I believe that’s called lemonade..
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
What kind of country do we live in when an artist like Sia won’t take advantage of the freedom to change her last name to Lateralligator?
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
I get distracted pretty eas
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
when your parents get a divorce you gotta figure out if pokemon mom or pokemon dad has better exclusives. lucky if you have a sibling so you can each pick one and trade
Babies get so disrespectful when they don’t want their pacifier
Doritos CEO: we are getting a lot of backlash over this crunchless chip for women. We need ideas
Thrice divorced Bob: When they finish the bag it can be pulled over their heads in shame
CEO: I like it
If you throw a ball of yarn on stage during a Broadway production of Cats, the actors are required to stop what they’re doing and chase after it.
People in Arab nations are still wondering what all the western world hub bub about hump day and camel toe is about.
i’m cautious about following people back these days because i follow when they look normal and next week they’re banging horses
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
[operating room]
SURGEON: We’ve lost him
NURSE: Exact time of death?
GUY IN THE CORNER INSTALLING CABLE: Sometime between 2pm and 6pm
Eggs benadryl my favourite
HER: i can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: i can change, Becky
HER:
ME: into a semi truck
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle