The struggle is real in NY #Snowmageddon2015 #snowpocalypse
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FRIEND: can you hold my keys?
ME: no [pulling another fanny pack out of my fanny pack] but you can
you know what ruined my childhood? children
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
My mom is pretty relaxed about earthquakes.
3: Daddy, please don’t do that joke anymore.
Me: Which one, buddy?
3: Any of them.
About 2/3 of Earth’s surface is water. Same for the human body. So really, we’re all incontinent
Her: I’m not cleaning the sheets this time
Me: I ran into Bill on the ride home.
Wife: How’s he doing?
Me: 3 cracked ribs, a broken hip & a collapsed lung.
They say you shouldn’t eat right before bed so now I just wait until I’m in bed.
*performs perfect sleeper hold and drags another mailman into the garage*
…they just keep sending more…
A coven of witches with grandkids who call themselves the PentaGrans.
Thanks for following.
You can have a cereal that tastes good. You can have a cereal that makes you poop.
No. You cannot have both.
Man: I’ll have the steak
Waiter: And, for your side?
M: Oh, no, not tonight. This is my wife with me.
CNN is confirming that the only news in the world today is the blizzard. everything else is under control.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Men, do you ever wonder what women have in their purses?
Simple really: Wallet, keys, lip balm, tiny hand grenades, sunglasses, tissues, a pet unicorn, souls of our enemies, Advil, tampons and sometimes brass knuckles.
You’re welcome
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Maybe we should put monkeys in charge for a while just to see how it goes.
I enjoyed JOHN WICK 4 and its over-the-top glee, especially how many stairs he falls down. When you think that’s all the stairs he’s gonna fall down, nope, more stairs
they should have called it “Checkmate” instead of “Tinder”
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Had to go to grocery store this morning. Out of habit, I put on lipstick. Had to take it off to put on my mask because the last thing I need is to look like the Joker on top everything else going wrong in this world.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.