The struggle is real.
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It’s raining.
I’m going to be late for work.
I can’t fit my hair in the car.
If you want to see a true tyrant in action, put one of your kids in charge of the other ones.
Watermelon is the perfect drink when you’re thirsty, but want to chew it.
Interviewer: what makes you stand out?
Harry Potter: i’m a Wizard.
Interviewer: *scratching head* everyone here is tho, why are you the best?
Harry Potter: My mom like, REALLY loved me.
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
oh you like bad boys? well sometimes i cite articles i’ve only skimmed
DoorDash is great if you like having a sandwich and also 13 emails
A man approaches me. “You caught my eye,” he says.
I look in my hand. “Christ, is THAT what this thing is?!”
[Weekend in NYC with my wife]
Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?
Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
STEWARDESS: Does anyone know how to defuse a bomb?
PERSON WHO DOESN’T FLINCH OPENING A CAN OF CRESCENT ROLLS: Right here.
Just remember, you can’t please everyone.
So just focus on what’s important, pleasing me.
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
3am
Brain: What if all cats are named Meow and all dogs are named Woof and they’re just correcting us when we call them by the names we gave them?
[first day as a bartender]
customer: i’d like this drink to go to the lady in the corner
me: [holding it] HEY
her: [looks up]
me: CATCH
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
Gunna get my 600 tweets in early, so I have the rest of the day free to argue with people in person.
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
Right before I left the house my wife asked me if I filled out my organ donor information and now I’m hesitant to start the car.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
[duck is quacking] damn dude that duck is in SERIOUS disrepair [sprays wd-40 into duck mouth] [duck starts chirping like nightingale]
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
don’t talk to me or my son or my son’s son or my son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son’s son or my son’s s
The less friends at your birthday party means more cake for you.
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*stands over dads casket*
“Mom isn’t doing well, dad.”
*puts hand on dad’s shoulder*
“You need to stop building caskets. It’s creepy.”
During fireworks is the best time to shoot someone.
age 16: if i dont start saying yes to things im going to be miserable
age 26: if i dont start saying no to things im going to be miserable