The struggle when hungry me has to eat the lunch that healthy me packed
You Might Also Like
One of my kids opened a new bottle of salad dressing and immediately lost the lid. The next day another child of mine opened a new bottle of dressing, same brand and also immediately lost the lid. It’s not life or death but it is a fair example of why I rub my temples a lot.
The other day my son asked me who picks up the seeing eye dog’s poop.
Mr. Darcy: “You have bewitched me, body and soul.”
Wicked Witch of the West: “That’s kinda what I do. Now please dismount the monkey.”
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
How pissed were the women on the Titanic who skipped dessert?
I loved Prince, and in my opinion, Michael Jackson was pale in comparison.
I always wanted to die like a king.
According to the increase in my cheese intake it looks like that king will be Elvis Presley.
Not sure what’s more bizarre…me sitting on the porch at 2am having a candy cigarette…or that my neighbor just waved at me while watering his lawn.
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.
*getting murdered*
“When you’re done could you lay me on my back so my tummy flattens out?”
In the bathroom:
Me: *Meticulously manscapes*
Plumber: “Please don’t do that while I am in here.”
Your password must contain a character still living in Game of Thrones
******
Password expired
******
Password expired
******
Password ex…
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
My Coworker Bryce lost his license and now has to ride his bike into work and he didn’t even laugh when I called him Brycycle
Pilot: “Attention passengers, our engines have failed. We may not make it.”
Me, still wearing parachute pants since the 80s: “I KNEW this day would come!”
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
[first day as a bartender]
*garnishes all vodka drinks with a raw potato slice*
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[Weights bench at the gym]
ME: …327…328…329…
PERSONAL TRAINER: Can you please stop counting ceiling tiles and do some exercise
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
[Me as a doctor]
ME: I can’t find anything wrong with you. I suspect the problem is heavy drinkingPATIENT: Ok I’ll come back when you’ve sobered up
Being friends with introverts is hard sometimes. Did they die? Are they just recharging? Are they batman now? The suspense is killing me.
I wish someone would leave a horse’s head in my bed so that when my kids sneak up on me in the morning, I can be like, BAM, horse’s head.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
me: I’m cold can I wear your hoodie
grim reaper: no
me: one big skeleton please
clerk: ma’am this is a McDonald’s
me: oh sorry. One big McSkeleton please
Mr. Miyagi: It’s simple Daniel san, wax on, wax off
Daniel: Yeah, but your back hair, bro?