The Struggle
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I learned the name of my neighbor’s dog today.
In other news, I now have free wifi.
You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds.
Them: Ok, What about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: *narrows eyes and looks intently over the trees* Yes, they’re all birds.
When someone says you are so lazy
Ask your doctor if doctors are right for you. Make them self conscious. Question their motives. Die unnecessarily young and smug.
No more questions until my mom gets here
-Me to HR
Date: I decided to take a year to backpack across Europe before going back to Harvard Law.
Me: *eating spaghetti through a straw*
You had me at “Bathes regularly”.
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Many parents are faced with a daunting task during the quarantine: how to ground a child when we’re all grounded.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
what do you mean i didn’t reach out i literally thought about you
Found newspaper from day my son was born. Originally saved so he could see news of that day. Now saving so he can see what a newspaper was.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
My eyesight is good, but my strongest sense is non.
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
[orders 2,000 Big Macs thinking I’ll only have to tell my mom ‘I love her’ for them]
Cashier: that’ll be $5,364.32
Me: shit
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
If you watch Jeopardy backwards it’s about 3 idiots who pay a Canadian to answer a bunch of hidden questions.
The only time my ex will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground.
I need better friends
Nobody has ever believed in me as much as the chef at this food cart who just handed me a burrito not wrapped in foil.
“Mommy, I don’t wanna grow up and die!”
“Oh. Well, you can die at any age, really.”
*wife & I finally look up from our phones after 9 months*
“Have you had the kid yet?”
-No
“Well, I’m level 77 on candy crush.”
A thief has come into my home, and taken all but one of my sticks of mozzarella cheese. Everyone, lock your doors!
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.