Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.

No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.

Springsteen: baby we were born to run

Springsadult: let’s just take a cab

The dress code for my wedding should have been red flags.

Recreational running is the muggle equivalent of drinking unicorn blood. Sure, you’ll probably live longer, but at a terrible price.

beware of dog
(jukin media)

Hope floats but corpses don’t, so remember: bricks or 25 to life.

Inspirational tweet.

Just saw a homeless man smoking a cigarette & it made me really sad… I wish I could afford cigarettes.

I mean I married my wife for her looks, but not the dirty ones she’s been giving me lately.

Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.

My boss: There are no stupid questions
Me: Do people get discounted manicures if they’re missing a finger?
My boss: I’m going home early

Aw, crap. My airbnb has one of those cellars with a man locked in a cage who claims he’s just a normal man who was kidnapped but the property owner says he’s actually the devil in human disguise and if I let him out, his evil will end the world.
AND the wifi is spotty. Christ.

“you look easy to draw”

I have an inferiority complex about my superiority complex.
I know I’m better than you, but I feel really bad about it.

sorry boys, but I’ve already got my eyes on a guy who’s not interested

I’m no psychic but I can tell you that pristine white furniture set you just bought for your baby’s room ain’t gonna look like that for long.

My 13yo likes to remind me that he’s taller than me, and I like to remind him I’m the one who signs his permission slips to do the fun things at school.

Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.

Met a dog named Donut. I don’t need that kind of reminder all day. Excuse me, I have to go take Smaller Portions for a walk.

wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids

When l feel sick in public, l get closer to the people who annoy me. If I have to vomit, I want to make it count.

Me: How was my snoring last night?

Wife [with earplugs in]: WHAT

My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?

I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me

If you eat a whole taco before your family gets to the table they won’t know you started without them

Do you think anyone fired from Twitter is decamping to their picturesque home town where their parents are about to put them in charge of a local Christmas project, and their only assistant? a handsome carpenter (who’s single)

I spent over $200 at the grocery store yesterday which means there will be no food in my house by tomorrow.

If you see me at the bottom of a lake, mind your business. I’m relaxing.

Shouldn’t Captain Crunch be Colonel Crunch by now? Apparently cereal mascot is a dead end job.

Me: I’m going to eat healthier this summer

*temp reaches 95 degrees*

Also Me: ice cream for dinner it is

I’m at my most James Bond when I charge past the guards*, use my atomic laser**, and open the safe***
* 3 cats
** can opener
*** catfood can