The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
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[at restaurant trying not to let anyone know I’m a koala]
Waiter: “what can I get u?”
“do u have any eucalyptus?”
*restaurant goes quiet*
Buy her a new cauldron. Keep her broom in good repair. Maintain a robust collection of eye of newt.
Witches love that.
a media executive i worked for called me once in a panic at midnight because he saw a youtube clip of a manatee with eight million views and he wanted to know why our site’s videos didn’t have eight million views and i said we should pivot to manatees
Little does the bus driver know, that “I love you” I shout after my kids every morning is for him too.
Me: Boom! Drops the mic!
12yo: Nobody says that anymore Mom.
Me: Oh? What do they say?
12yo: I’m not telling you.
Walk into any flower shop and ask to see the chlamydias. That never gets old.
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
Doc: Maam, due to the accident your daughter cant…
Mom: Cant what?!
D: She cant even. She literally cannot even.
M: *single tear falls*
The more things change, the more they stay the same.
go ahead and make fun of me for listing my religion as “burrito” but no one’s ever waged war in the name of chipotle
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
*brings a laser pointer to the Broadway showing of Cats and creates utter mayhem*
JOB INTERVIEWER: can you explain this gap in your resume
ME: yes its 7pts tall, separates two sections in a visually pleasing way, and aligns to a carefully proportioned grid
INTERVIEWER: no, i mean here where it says you didn’t work for two years
ME: i.. was designing my resume
So did you have a nice,relaxing holiday asked the all people without three kids
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
Accidentally walked into the women’s bathroom, went ahead and peed sitting down so it wouldn’t be awkward for anyone.
[anniversary dinner]
HER: tell me something that will make my heart race
ME: my credit card got declined
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
This guy keeps buying me drinks and talking to me as if I’ll go home with him just because we’re married
I’ve never really had a beach body, but my snowman body is coming along quite nicely.
“Give me your hand!”
“But-“
“You’re gonna have to trust me!”
I’ve been trying to cancel a print job since November.
I dropped my ice cream cone on the ground and it landed pointy end up which made the Earth, at least for a moment, one giant topping.
Pay your exorcist or you may get repossessed.
The bad news is my toddler dumped my husband’s large water bottle all over the couch and himself. The good news is now he’s had his bath