the subway employee asks me what kind of cheese i would like on my sandwich, so i lean in, look them directly in the eyes & whisper, “haunted.”
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11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
I don’t hold a grudge. I need both hands free for the chainsaw.
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
Me grinning like a jackass with my luggage labelled “ wayward son” and waiting for them to ask checked bag or carry-on
A penguin suit mysteriously arrives at work. No label. No explanation. You try it on, just for fun. When you turn to show your colleagues, you realise they’re all dressed as leopard seals. You flee.
I’m a bound and determined person and I like to get things done but as I’ve gotten older I’ve found that I can pay others to do it while I take a nap.
I can’t think of a single email that have ever found me well.
I started to keep a notepad beside the bed so that I can write down tweets at night, so far I have:
Really shitty handwriting in the dark.
[At bar]
*all sweaty after doing the worm*
Me: *out of breath* see anything you like?
Her: called 911, thought you were having a seizure.
I’m trying to get a rotisserie chicken home before it gets cold I don’t have time for suspicious lights in the sky
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
I suspect that my cat has plans to kill me, but has just never been awake long enough to carry them out.
Advantage: human.
*Unplugs your smart car to charge phone
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
I’ve been waiting for this moment and it has finally happened.
I got a paper review back saying I need to familiarise myself more with the works of Heejung Chung and that my work should engage more with her work.
Lauren on Facebook asks:
“What’s the best way to ward off ghosts?”To which I replied: “a camera.”
Hey Amish person reading this: Busted.
Instead of smiling and nodding through a conversation, try clapping and nodding. People will stop talking to you.
[texting friend]
me: my wife and I had an argument and she just started texting her mom, is that bad
friend: oh man
me: now she’s texting my mom
friend: OH MAN
manure salesmen ask ”do you want flies with that?”
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
If you’re testing me, we failed.
broke down and did it
911 what’s your emergency?
Me: My GF keeps pointing a flashlight at me
911: How is that an emergency?
Me: It’s attached to her gun