The sun is 100% solar-powered.
You Might Also Like
Mehh
~Goat, sighing..
I just read a list of “100 Things To Do Before You Die”…
I couldn’t believe “Yell for help” wasn’t one of them.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
In my previous life I was a gorgeous philosopher named Mediocrates
This guy is choking on the last hotdog I wanted so I’m just going to let him die.
I’m not saying my kids come to me for everything but if I was on fire & my husband was 10 feet away, they’d still ask me for a snack.
I had bottomless mimosas yesterday and got way too drunk and just found out I got kicked out a bar called mollys because I asked our bartender four times if she was Molly. Not Molly, if you see this, I’m sorry.
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
LIFE HACK: dont jump over a dog becuase he wil get comfused and thimk ur a frisbee and try to bite u
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
Me: Evil never sleeps
Daughter: STOP CALLING ME THAT
“Do you like Tolstoy?”
“Of course. Who doesn’t?”
“What’s your favourite book?”
“The one where Woody is kidnapped & Buzz tries to save him”.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
I love you Mario but you need to stop taking shrooms, breaking into haunted houses, and killing turtles! You have a dinosaur to take care of
Her: You’re all sweaty. Where have you been?
*Flash back to an hour long struggle of me trying to separate 2 shopping carts*
Me: The gym.
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Humidity, to Heat
If you can moonwalk out of a police station without bumping into anything they have to drop all charges.
Stop naming your dogs Bella.
We are full.
Don’t you hate it when you’ve been working out for 2 hours and realize it’s only been 15 minutes?
Me: is the fish fishy?
Waiter: it’s a mild fish.
Me: so it’s mildly fishy?
Waiter, to my husband: is she-
Husband: Yes, she’s always like this.
I wish I could get my coworker to stop texting me the reasons why she isn’t coming to work
wife: I know we had plans tonight but I’ve been stuck in traffic for an hour and I just want to come home and relax
me [unaware that we had plans] Ok
me: i like baseball.
man: oh yeah, who hit the 2nd farthest minor league home run during the 1918 season
I’ve never done Russian Roulette, but I have been in a public bathroom stall with a child who knows how to open doors.
Me: What would it take for you to get into the same water tank with a giant phantom jellyfish?
Her: A lot. I’m pretty spineless when it comes to such things.
18: I’m going to ask the stylist what color screams parental issues.
Me: …
Not everyone was Kung foo fighting
I was just trying to get out of my sports bra