The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
– birds
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Me: I bet I totally got like 10,000 steps in today.
My mother: you lost your car in the parking garage didn’t you?
Me: WHY CAN’T YOU EVER JUST BE HAPPY FOR ME?!
Me: Why is there a rolling chair in the kitchen?
Husband: Well, I know you injured your leg.
Me: And?
Husband: And I thought it would be easier for you to cook dinner.
Why am I single? *wipes hands on shirt like a napkin* Beats me.
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Potato chips ARE vegetables! I exclaim as I tear open the third bag
I don’t understand “standing desks.” Why take away the only good thing about a desk?
*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO
I’ll be like “I’m just gonna go take a quick look around the bookstore” and come back weeks later in flowing white robes having defeated a Balrog
I think it’s nice when bank robbers carpool.
Daughter: What does gays mean?
Me: Well you know mum and dad love each other – two men can love each other the same way
Her: So what’s ‘penetrating gays’?
Me: Er… read me the whole sentence
Her: “She stared at him with a penetrating gaze”
Me: Oh
I should have been a Librarian, my favourite thing to do is telling people to shut up
Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.
I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.
Daylight Saving Time switches on November 6. That’s right, this presidential campaign is an hour longer than you thought.
Me: It’s 2020, you can’t breathe without offending somebody.
Them: HE’S A MOUTH BREATHER!
Everyone else at the table can order a margarita at 10a.m., but I ask for a cup of queso with a straw, and suddenly I’m the one with the problem.
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
Starting to think that having kids just to get some help around the house was a bad idea.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Absolutely not. Trust me, I’ve looked.
What do you call the yellow ones?
-Yellow labs.
And the black ones?
-Black labs.
So the brown ones are-
-No we named those after dog poison.
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
[dental office]
Me: I’m going to need some laughing gas.
Receptionist: Your appointment isn’t for 3 months.
Me: Is that a yes?
*yawns so wide a bird flies into mouth*
*closes mouth*
*looks around to see if anyone noticed*
*swallows bird*
*acts like nothing happened*
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
There are two kinds of dog owners. Those that have tried their dog’s treats and those that are lying.
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
It’s bullshit that Popeyes doesn’t sell spinach salad
men only want one thing: a large italian wife that chases them around with a big wooden spoon when they sneak a meatball before dinner
me at five am: should i sleep for two hours or stay up
me at now am: Did my coworker just say “email” or “bee jail”. what did the bee do