@RodLacroix

The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.

– birds

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@sarcasticmommy4

My son said he’d do something in a minute.

So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.

@mommajessiec

My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.

@TheAlexNevil

DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE

*crowd nervously looks at each other

*meek yet courageous man steps up

M: No.

@3sunzzz

What did watching Cinderella teach us?

7yo:

It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.

@RobFMDetroit

If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”

@Contwixt

“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”

–Cats

@T_N_Crumpets

[Supermarket]
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys

@CulturedRuffian

Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.

Also me:

@weinerdog4life

No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!

*throws cat at Kinko’s employee