My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
The sun isn’t even up yet but this seems like a good time to start yelling at the top of my lungs trying to find a girlfriend.
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My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
What did watching Cinderella teach us?
It taught us that if she had been wearing sensible shoes, she would still be scrubbing floors.
If you think a 30 sec ad is bad try waiting until news at 11 to “find out what’s been poisoning your family”
“My water-bowl wasn’t filled to its usual level so I stole your watch and peed in your shoes.”
Me: QUICK, WHERE IS YOUR FROZEN SECTION
Assistant: Aisle 7
Me: GREAT [opens trench coat and 6 penguins fall out] let’s go guys
Me: I wonder why I don’t have any friends and can’t seem to find anyone to date.
No time to explain, I need 300 copies of this cat!
*throws cat at Kinko’s employee
me the second it drops below 70 degrees