The Sun
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The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Remember being a kid and writing “FiretrUCK” everywhere, thinking your parents wouldn’t get it? My dad just figured it out and spanked me 🙁
i noticed you didn’t put interpretive dance on your gift registry but i went ahead and got it for you anyways
HIM: Where do you see yourself in five years?
ME: Wait, just how long is this interview?
New Neighbor: Hi, I’m Derek; I moved in downstairs.
Me: I’m Spencer; I’ll be looking in your window and judging your decorating choices.
I hate when people can’t let go of the past.
Debt collectors are the worst.
Start replying with “In this economy!?” anytime anyone asks you to do anything. It’s legit.
{At therapists}
SIMBA: Once my dad let a monkey hold me over a cliff.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
judas: hey man want to come out to last supper
jesus: what?
judas: regular supper, we’re having regular supper tonight, are you free
My wife just keeps adding throw pillows to our bed that have to go on in a particular order and I feel like I’m playing some kind of high stakes Tetris where if I’m wrong I lose the house
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again
“All my friends at school do not listen to me!”
– My 4yo who doesn’t listen to me
If you find a perfectly usable item discarded outside someone’s house, it’s best to assume it is haunted and leave it well alone:
– a nice chair? No, an evil chair
– a child’s bike? No, a possessed child’s bike
– a half-eaten burrito? Eat the burrito
Mommy’s little speed bumps 😬
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
Goblin adventurer whose catchphrase is “no goblemo”
black phone good
“I don’t expect much so I am rarely disappointed”
– People who haven’t met me yet
*dancing with the stars*
*all of a sudden there’s a fault in our stars*
me(to stars): what the hell guys? we practiced this!
*star wars*
Beers ranked:
1-First beer after work
2-Post yard work beer
3-Shower beer
4-Vacation beer
5-All other beer
People: Dogs can always sense someone’s true colors.
Dogs: WTF is “colors”?
when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
Before you commit to a dog name, go outside at 6:30 AM with no bra on and see how it feels begging that name to poo.
[Me narrating a documentary on guerrilla warfare]
And here’s more footage of people, but I’m sure apes will be in this film any minute now..
Guy 1: I do a poor impression of Sean Connery.
Guy 2: Shame.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?