The Sun’s definitely gay. No straight celestial body hugs you with rays of warm light.
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You can tell kids you’re friends with the President, they don’t know.
A woman just left the liquor store without buying anything.
I can only assume she was dropped on her head as a baby.
What religious people say: “I have you in my prayers.”
What non-religious people hear: “I’m trying to raise Aquaman on this cat radio.”
Research shows that 100% of tired parents have kids.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
What is bluesky and is it pronounced like a cloudless day or a Polish last name?
When I see a guy with a tooth pick in his mouth I’m like, wow. look at that guy. he ate most of a tree.
Him: You smell nice, what is it?
Me: Chips and dip.
If your surname is Rice and you don’t name your kid, Fried then I can never be friends with you.
When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
Im on my burner commenting “thank you for normalizing nose hair !” on his girlfriends tiktoks
I’m going to start calling it “Auto Carrot” just so it can see how it feels.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
Capitalist: Hi
Anti-Capitalist: hi
I’m so pumped for this water balloon fight that none of my guests know we’re having.
Coating a few marbles in melted chocolate to mix in with my Whoppers as a surprise for future me.
Sharing a streaming account with someone who doesn’t have their own profile is like gaslighting yourself.
“I don’t remember watching this”
SS: Yes you did. See right here? That’s where you stopped watching.
“You sure? I really don’t remember watching this”
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
calf- calves
half – halves
self – selves
wolf – wolves
golf – golves
i like to walk around my neighborhood leaving helpful notes in ppls mailboxes, such as, “doric columns don’t belong on a mid-century modern. what is u doing?” or “ur home has a mix of window styles that makes me wonder about the aesthetic you were going for. what is u doing?” or
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
impressed by people who start whistling in crowded, universally stressful situations (plane stuck on tarmac, long lines, crowded public transit). When it looked impossible they dug deep and thought, I know just what will get on everybody’s absolute last nerve.
One time I had an MRI and the neurologist said I had a nice looking brain and every time I have a good idea I think of this.
ME: I got us a penguin!
WIFE: Why would you think I’d want a penguin??
PENGUIN: Maybe not everything is about what you want.
ME: *Points at penguin* That. Yes.
Found a cigarette butt next to the mouse trap in the garage. It’s like he stood there and thought about it.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.