The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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Babies are okay if you’re into alarm clocks that poop.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My diet this week consisted of 6 cheat days
Sign at work today
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
If you ever think you see Dean Koontz, start chanting koontz-koontz-koontz over and over so if it isn’t him it’ll just look like you’re really into techno and public humiliation.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Damn Girl, did you just get in a water balloon fight or are you happy to see me?
Me: It’s ok if they stay a little damp
Automatic hand dryer: I SHALL DRIVE THE WATER FROM YOUR VERY BONES
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
I had my house renamed “Moderation” and now I can pretty much do whatever I want in here.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
If I had a dollar for every time I messed something up at work, I’d be salaried and at my current level of compensation
My favorite part of the holiday party is getting to meet my coworkers’ dates & find out who chooses to put up with these people for free.
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
I’ve been cutting the chocolate milk with regular milk so it will go further and my kids have never noticed. I would’ve been a really good drug dealer.
No Fitbit, I didn’t walk 18,937 steps today, I had a Sign Language final.
“It’s not debauchery it’s Digiorno!”
Me drunk about to eat a frozen pizza
I actually feel bad for kids who grow up having access to unlimited knowledge. It used to be so easy to lie. When I was a kid someone told me they went to the same synagogue as Sonic the Hedgehog, and honestly I didn’t have enough information to dispute that.
This chapter of my life is called.
“Pushing a pull door”
Vin Diesel’s full name is Vintage Dieselengine.
Twitter is like 192 million people screaming “Mom watch me jump in the pool”
Cop:” So you confess to striking the victim with I must say, rather impressive moves.”
Me: “Mr Miyagi is my Sensai.”
Cop:”It is still considered assault though.”
Me:”It was self-defense, Sir!”
Mr Miyagi: “Anna San, they were smacking their lips and slurping on their salad.”
Geologists are important for our understanding of rocks on Earth and on other planets. So never take them for granite.
School is like ok lemme get you up to speed on all the wars you missed before you go to your job forever