The Supreme Court is really just a regular court with tomatoes and sour cream.
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To gangs that carve their names into public toilet seats:
A) Why?
B) Haha, you touched a public toilet seat.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
I am, perchance
why don’t snakes just roll downhill sideways?
knowing stuff is probably the worst thing you could do for your mental health
[on deathbed]
“Tell my Wif… *cough*”
Yes? Tell her what?
“Tell my Wifi provider their broadband speeds were moderate at best”
[dies]
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
[being stopped by the cops]
Me: if they ask about a missing dolphin just play it cool
My new best friend: *clicky noises*
Me: okay okay *i toss him a fish to keep him quiet*
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
50 is the new 30. Because it takes 50 bucks to buy what 30 used to.
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
If you encounter a bear in the woods, stand perfectly still and try to look like kale.
I’m not helping to save the environment until bears let me ride them around like cars. It’s a group effort, bears.
ME: I got fired for microwaving fish at work
HER: whoa, fired? that seems harsh
ME: whatever, I didn’t like working at the aquarium anyway
Just walked past a bin man struggling to get a wheelie bin to connect to the bin lorry. He said “come on, you silly sod” to the bin. Struck me as very British. We talk to inanimate objects like they’re frustrating mates. I called my oven hob a “bloody idiot” yesterday.
I appreciate a dentist who accepts “I didn’t really expect to live this long” as the answer to why I haven’t been properly taking care of my teeth.
To anyone who will be spending their Valentines Day with their hand, know that you are not alone. I will be there with you, watching.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
One good thing about having kids is that they are sick every time I get invited to something I don’t want to do.
👏GIVE 👏THE 👏OTHER 👏49 👏STATES 👏THEIR 👏OWN 👏CHAINSAW 👏MASSACRE 👏MOVIES
Today my grocery delivery guy mistakenly bought me plantains instead of bananas. After arduously explaining to him the difference between the two, we laughed to ourselves. A delicious faux pas and a classic mixup.
Anyway he’s dead now.
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
[she comes home with a doggy bag]
Her: Here, boy, I have a treat for you *sounds of the dog & I fighting to the death*
wife *buying dinosaur balloons*
clerk: Is it someone’s birthday? *smiles at toddler*
wife: It is
clerk: How old?
wife: 35
“Please be more mindful of how expressive your eyebrows can be during meetings when others are speaking” my boss to me after the great 2 truths and a lie incident of February 15, 2024.
I grew up so poor our dog could only get one rabie.