The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
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Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
[party]
friend: that piñata you picked out looks so lifelike
piñata: *struggles against ropes*
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Hormones are cool if you like crying during dog food commercials.
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
Asked my kid what kind of donut he wanted and his answer was “six.”
I dated my financial advisor for like a year but I lost interest.
*lights cigarette
Nah, don’t bother with chloroform. Use Ketamine blow darts. Way more entertaining and you don’t have to catch them.
Burgers, she wrote.
– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
Me: *needles jabbing me thousands of times for a tattoo* So rad
Also Me: *one needle, one jab at the dentist* Our Father, who art in heaven
I’ve never once been able to explain my car trouble to a mechanic without resorting to sound effects.
Neighbor: I don’t drink coffee it makes your teeth all yellow.
Me: Throws holy water in her face.
*Neighbor melts
Me: Not today Satan.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
[Sunday morning]
*congregation of Catholics disagrees with priest and walks out of church*
– mass unfollowing
I was working in the yard.
Out of the corner of my eye I saw a snake.
I hit it with a shovel.
I’m happy to report the garden hose is dead
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
[commercial]
“This commercial is so confusing. I wish they would just tell us what they’re selling”
narrator: Narrators
Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
LOL, Investigation Discovery, for assuming your victim was murdered at night just because she’s wearing pajamas.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…
why are they called anti-vaxxers and not the marvelous mrs measles
[being pushed into the middle of a dance circle] please, I have a family
Me: My son’s goldfish died. What should I do?
Him: Just flush him down the toilet
Me: Gotcha. And the fish?