The symmetry is uncanny.
You Might Also Like
i noticed you haven’t tweeted in a few weeks and just wanted to thank you
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Getting my second jab today. They’re making me sign a form confirming I’ve been repeatedly told the vaccine won’t allow me to survive being fired from a trebuchet into the tree where the squirrels took my mars bar.
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Lady Gaga: rah rah ah ah ah rom mah ro mah mah
Shaggy *wiping tears at Scooby’s funeral* beautiful
[calling my sister while babysitting her 3-year-old] should he be using the oven
If a necromancer isn’t someone who gives you hickies, then I’m not interested.
[at wife’s funeral]
Son: At least shes in heaven now
Me: [delicately places hand on his shoulder] You don’t know shit about your mom
HAPPY EARTH DAY!
Suck it, Neptune.
[Restaurant]
ME: *says entire order in French to impress my date*CHINESE WAITER: what
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You pulled me over?
Cop:
Me: I just stopped here cuz I thought of a tweet.
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
[autopsy]
Coroner: worst case of boogie fever ever
Homeschooling isn’t going great but at least my son has learned the skill of hiding in the bathroom in case he has kids one day
What idiot called them ‘religious pamphlets’ and not ‘belieflets’?
Wireless bra? What’s the password?
The worst part of Aquaman’s day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.
*seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
If I’m at your house and you’ve got a grocery list on the fridge, I’m adding stuff to it and not telling you
Me: Anything you can do I can do better, I CAN DO ANYTHING BETTER THAN YOU!
Mom: Why are you yelling at the dog?
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
The orcas have been quiet, too quiet…
Mother: can you please fix my computer
Me: *leans back in chair* well… well … well … if it isn’t Miss ‘Get Off That Computer’ Years 1994 to 2006
I like my women like I like my coffee. I look at coffee but I am afraid to talk to it
when ur mom took the xbox away because you got a D- on ur report card and you went to your room, slammed the door, and turned this song up to full volume on the radioshack speakers so the whole family knew you were gonna be full of angst for the next several days
me: [selects “send verification code as text” on a website]
me three seconds later: oh boy a tex mesage
I overheard two female coworkers say there was a creepy dude listening to their conversation.
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
Yes I’m full of microplastics but it’s actually been helpful. It’s given me superpowers. I can communicate with Tupperware