The “t” in “Christmas” is silent.
Be like the “t” in “Christmas.”
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“Smells fresh. Like a tropical island.”
“Ok. Now take off the blindfold! Your family’s been dead in this car for a week! We Febrezed it!”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
You never realize how many curse words are in a song till you play it for your family
Sex is great, but have you ever ate some fries after doing keto for 6 months?
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
If at first you don’t succeed you will get a lot of advice from people who didn’t succeed either.
Pretty sure they warned us about this on the Book of Revelations.
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
My husband just bought us a cooking class for date night. Subtle.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
[murder scene]
MORGAN FREEMAN: there are 7 deadly sins: Pride, greed, envy, lust, wrath and gl– [sees victim wearing crocs] There are 8 dea
*brings a knife to a knife fight, because I read the instructions*
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
Saw the baby talking to the air so I’m immediately moving and leaving her behind. I’ve seen this movie before
I watch people through binoculars as a hobby, but the cops call it a felony…
I never knew those were synonyms.
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.
I missed being a teacher yesterday so I let my coffee go cold, didn’t pee for 7 hours and stood in my living room repeating myself.
If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
FRIEND: get our wedding invitation?
ME: i did, somebody hand wrote ‘do not bring pan flute’
F: yea i really wanted to make sure you saw that
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
If you introduce yourself as Sal, just know that I will be disappointed when you reveal that’s NOT short for Salami
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
Watching basketball while on the treadmill feels like reading a book about someone reading an even bigger & better book
Lol.. The Parrot is sticking to the code and won’t talk… Lol… I’m done.
[sitting down next to a stranger at a minor league baseball game] that looks great. who’s your hot dog guy
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?