The teachers could tell my wife & I were embarrassed by our son’s grades when we showed up to conferences with paper bags on our heads.
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coworker: What’d you get for Christmas?
me: Drunk
coworker: What did your wife get?
me: Mad
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
my mum said that im not allowed to go work tomorrow because of the snow so im gonna call my manager tomorrow and tell him my mum said no
Working out in the rose garden today and came face to face with a territorial bee, I took a couple of swats at it and pissed it off, now she’s daring me to open the screen door.
“Do I need to put my shoes back on for this?” is apparently a bad answer when your boss calls you into a meeting
My daughter, filling out a college app, called me at home to get my home number. Big shout out to the ex-wife for pissing in my gene pool.
honestly this was all i could see so i drew it
You’re so strain. You probably think this song is about flu.
My doctor said I needed to reduce stress. Great, now I have that to worry about.
Wife: “Ian is coming over.”
Me: “Ian from work or Ian who is good at disguises?”
Wife: “Ian-
*pulls off mask*
-who is good at disguises!”
Shout-out to my embarrassingly squeaky ass bed frame that makes me sound more popular than I actually am to my neighbors.
Due to inflation the number of the beast is now 812. Please adjust your satanic rituals accordingly.
A self driving car would be really handy for the daily nap I take on my drive home.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
[ground control to major tom] so like, what time is it in space right now?
*kid finds Easter Basket
Noodles, sauce, cheese, meat, what’s going on dad?
“What else you get?!”
A lasagna recipe..
“Great make dinner”
I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
If you have any questions or concerns please don’t. Hesitate to ask.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
*speed dating
So I thought for baby names, Lily for a girl and Caleb for a boy.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Wanting to take a nap but the upstairs neighbours are doing the stampede scene from jumanji.
Felt a sharp pain in my chest & thought “oh shit, I’m having a heart attack,” but it just turned out to be my wife stabbing me.
My baby girl and I like to play a game called poop or toot. She makes a face and I get to sniff her diaper. There are no winners.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
Sir, I see that you spelled “résumé” with the correct accent marks. Unfortunately you’re just too fancy to work here at Popeye’s Chicken.
Extremely relatable.