The technical term for the very bottom of a banana is the “bananus”.
You Might Also Like
My 4yo told me to hold her baby as she walked away with her dad. My 4yo left me in a restaurant alone with a fake baby in my arms. I should’ve put the the baby down, but I didn’t. I just held it like a real baby. Why? Idk why. Parenthood is wild.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
God gives his toughest battles* to his strongest soldiers.
*I have to log back into Hulu on my TV.
Spoiler Alert: In the season finale of Game of Thrones, YOU die.
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
You are more likely to die in a plain crash than a fancy crash
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
*moon landing*
That’s one small step for man, one giant leap for updog
“What’s updog?”
NOT MUCH JUST WALKING ON THE MOON WHAT’S UP WITH YOU
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
pir·ou·ette – /ˌpirəˈwet/ (noun)
1) An act of spinning on one foot
2) A tiny gay pirate
I have a horrible memory, unless we’re discussing something you did wrong.
3: *wakes up before her brother* Mommy, I slept faster!
Me: In sleeping the winner is the one who sleeps slower
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
I ain’t typing “X” into the URL bar my wife is right behind me
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
remember the olden days when ambulances didnt have sirens and the doctors inside it had to make the sounds with their mouth’s
[thanksgiving dinner]
mom: no politics tonight
everyone: absolutely
me: this casserole reminds me of the bolshevik revolution
Dad, to brother: You’re married now. You’re officially an adult.
Dad, to sister: You’re a mother now. You’re imbued with an imparted wisdom that no other could fathom.
Dad, to me: You eat any good nachos lately?
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
the vatican should not be allowed to name any new saints until God sorts out my numerous issues with the citibank web portal