The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?
Pro-Tip: If you’re going to use chlorophorm on someone make sure you don’t inhale it yourself.
Me: You wanna know how I got these scars??
Batman: no, not really-
Me: *slamming my fist on the table* ACNE
If I were Noah, I’d be grabbing two of every bottle of alcohol
her: why do you keep your eyes open when you kiss me?
me: bears
“What’d you do today”
“Went on a treasure hunt”
“I hope you mean job hunt”
“Treasure hunt”
“You need to find a job”
“Not if I find treasure”
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
If you don’t have at least 1 hot neighbor then the hot neighbor is you
me 2 months after i graduated
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
I tell people I’m narcoleptic so if I fall asleep when they’re talking to me I don’t seem rude.
“How about we go with a gerund, but, like, maybe just half a gerund.”
– How ING Bank got its name
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
You bought a boat this month? Well I bought an ambulance ride, so who’s the big spender now?
A fun prank is to search “buy antique dolls” on someone’s computer because then all their Facebook targeted ads are creepy dolls forever
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
I tell people that the secret ingredient
in my cookies is “love” but it’s actually “floor” .
everyone i ever dated is impressed when i namedrop foreign authors but never bothers to check if they’re just ikea product names (they are)
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
If god can artificially inseminate someone, why did he need two of every animal on the ark to repopulate the world?
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
[me as an uber driver]
yeah I have a degree but this way I can also make crying in my car profitable