@RickAaron I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.
@squirrel74wkgn The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.
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@RickAaron 
@GrantTanaka band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS
@TheSchnizzy Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
@MetteAngerhofer People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?
@Heatinblack [Bush’s Best Bean HQ]
Security guard: sir do you have business here?
Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone
SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker
@Fickle_Filly Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
@TommyRainFall if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm
@UncleDuke1969 Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?*goes home*
Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.
@batkaren Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.
@Home_Halfway ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay
TAXI DRIVER: Again, no