@squirrel74wkgn

The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.

You Might Also Like

@RickAaron

I have no idea what Steampunk is except that it must be healthier than Fried Punk.

@GrantTanaka

band: THANKS FOR COMING OUT ANY LAST REQUESTS
crowd: [shouting songs]
me: HAVE U SEEN MY KEYS

@TheSchnizzy

Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!

M: oh nonsense!

W: ok, did you get the cat food?

M: WE HAVE A CAT??

@MetteAngerhofer

People think Mt. Everest is the tallest mountain in the world, but did you know it’s actually the mountain of papers my kids bring home from school every day?

@Heatinblack

[Bush’s Best Bean HQ]

Security guard: sir do you have business here?

Jack: I uh I’m waiting for someone

SG: *on walkie talkie* I think we may have a bean stalker

@Fickle_Filly

Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.

@TommyRainFall

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

@UncleDuke1969

Me: Leonard Nimoy died today.
Co-worker: From Star Wars?

*goes home*

Wife: How was your day?
Me: Leonard Nimoy and a co-worker died today.

@batkaren

Bruce Wayne could prevent so much more crime if he just used his vast fortune to buy up all the Gotham tri-state area abandoned chemical plants and dilapidated amusement parks.

@Home_Halfway

ME: Can you call me when you get home later so I know you’re okay

TAXI DRIVER: Again, no